Divorce is the worst word for a family. And especially when there are children in it, and it is not particularly important how old they are. Do not think that it hurts only the spouses, because the child is experiencing stronger emotions. Therefore, it is extremely important to prepare in advance for such an important conversation with your child.
You need to know how to tell children about divorce. You can use the advice of a psychologist, read the right literature. Talk about divorce is remembered by a child for life, therefore it is important that the process of family breakup does not impose a heavy imprint on the child's psyche.
Preparing the ground for conversation
A family through the eyes of a child is a single whole, and it will be extremely difficult to imagine it in a different way for a child or teenager. Unfortunately, not yet invented a way to a painless divorce. But you can "smooth corners" and less traumatize the child's psyche. To do this, you need to know a few important rules about how to properly tell a child about a divorce. We will consider them now.
When the issue of divorce resolved at 100%, then you need to prepare the ground for communication. You should not put off a difficult conversation indefinitely. It will be much worse if the child is informed about it by someone else, not the parents. And what's even worse, the teenager himself will guess, will begin to blame himself and close himself. And then the conversation may simply be fruitless.
It is necessary to choose a completely free day for communication. And do it not a day before the divorce, but at least two weeks. The child will have any questions, he may become ill, try to return everything back. May begin to blame himself and promise to correct. It is necessary to let the baby (teenager) get used to this news. At this time in the family should not be abuse and clarify the relationship. Between themselves, parents must understand alone.
Adults should know how to start a conversation with a child. The conversation should lead both parents. If mom and dad talk together, it will be easier for the baby to learn the information. He will still consider himself in the circle of a full-fledged family and safe. So the information is absorbed much better. During the conversation, and even then, it is not necessary for children to show their emotions to each other. It is necessary to behave with restraint, without too much anger. In a conversation, submit information as a joint decision. It must be remembered that this is a conversation for a child, and not a clarification of insults and relationships. As a result of the conversation, he should understand one thing: he is loved and not guilty of the separation of the parents. That everything will remain the same. Mom definitely needs to know how to explain to a child that dad does not live with us, and that he now lives separately. It must be said that circumstances just came about, so dad needs to move.
Children with a difference of several years
If there is more than one child in the family, and the difference between them is big, what to do? How to tell children about divorce in this case? Conversation is better to conduct with each separately. Since the child is more mature, he understands everything better and can respond more impulsively. With younger children, the conversation will be much easier. It is possible that the conversation will be repeated as they grow up. In no case do not blame anyone for a divorce. Children must see that their parents are on good terms.
A simple form of communication and an explanation of the cause of the incident.
The conversation should be simple and understandable to the child. Should the baby know the reason for the divorce depends on the age and the reason itself. For example, if one of the parents drinks a lot, then everything will become clear by itself. But if it is a betrayal, then you can keep silent about it. Otherwise, the child will blame the parent who committed it. If the child is no longer small, and he himself guesses the reason, then he must be filed so that he still loves his mother and father equally. But we must immediately tell the truth. Cheating will only worsen the situation. During a conversation, it is not worth it to pass into abuse among themselves, at this moment the conversation should be devoted only to the child.
After the conversation, the children should understand that basically nothing will change. Mom and dad love them. As for birthdays and major holidays, they will also come together. Dad will walk with them, play, pick up from kindergarten. Only that he will live separately will change.
What should a child understand?
The main thing that a child should understand from the conversation:
- After the divorce, mom and dad would be better, it just happened.
- The fact that parents will divorce, does not affect their love for the child. Everything will remain as before.
- Do not stop communicating with grandparents on the father's line. Everything will remain as it was.
- Parents will live separately, but now the child will have two houses at once, where they will wait and love him.
- There are no guilty in divorce, neither father, nor mother, nor baby. It happened. It happens sometimes.
After such a conversation, the child must still love both parents equally. It should not be that he loves his mom more than his dad. That mom's parents are better, and her father began to treat the child worse.
Invalid words and actions
Note that there are words, actions that are unacceptable during a divorce. They can traumatize the immature psyche of the child. If there are no friendships between the parents, then the child should not know about it. When it is desirable to behave in a friendly way. If one of the parents loses his temper while talking, the second should soften the situation. Do not forget, the child is even harder. You can even move the conversation.
How to tell a child about divorce? Psychologist tips
Psychologists give the following tips:
- When it is decided that the divorce will be a point, then the child must understand that the parents will not converge again. We can’t give him hope that maybe we will be a full-fledged family again, but for now let’s rest from each other.
- You can not humiliate and insult your spouse / spouse with children. For them, you are still friends.
- When talking to try not to say that they have fallen out of love with each other. It is better to find another reason. Otherwise, the baby may decide that he, too, may fall out of love. And she will live in constant fear of being completely alone and unnecessary.
- Do not force the child to choose one of the parents. To bribe his love with toys. For the full psychological development of the child simply need two parents. Even if they do not live together.
- It is not necessary when talking to a child to talk about the bad sides of the former spouse. Children do not need to know.
- Children should not participate in the divorce proceedings themselves; they should be protected from this. Of course, if the court does not require it.
- You should not constantly tell the child about the upcoming divorce. For example, it was good, and scary, what will happen next.
- You can’t ask children which parents they love more, more.
- A child should receive the same love as before. He should not be an intermediary with parents who do not want to communicate with each other.
- Divorce can not be smoothed down before the baby expensive toys, or allow what was previously forbidden. This will not return the loss of a lost family.
To properly approach the conversation with the child about the divorce, you must put yourself in his place. Baby, no matter how correctly the conversation was built, it will still be hard to realize that the parents are no longer together. And he will try to reunite the family with all his might. And this applies to children of all ages, even thirty. Divorce proceedings are always painful. It’s just that older children can understand adults and it’s easier to explain the reason.
Features conversations with children up to seven years
With children up to three years old, you can do without talking about divorce. But be sure to answer the question, where is dad / mom? Over time, the child will come to terms that one of the parents no longer lives nearby.
Children from three to seven years old already understand that there is something wrong in the family. At this age, kids are strongly attached to both parents. Therefore, a very delicate conversation is needed here. Many parents get lost, like talking to a little child about divorce. At first, the baby may begin to urinate, sleep poorly, act capriciously, try to attract the attention of both parents. It’s hard for a child to realize that dad just came for a walk, play, or go to the store for a toy. When parting can be whims, tears. The parent with whom the baby was left must control the behavior of the child. Sometimes without the help of a specialist can not do.
Features conversations with children from seven to fourteen years
Children from seven to eleven years experience a divorce not so emotionally. Most people warm themselves with the hope that their parents will meet again. It is not necessary to give a reason for this hope, the child must realize that the separation of the mother and father happened forever. The baby will need to help get used to that father will now come at a time to communicate with him.
How do you tell children about divorce between the ages of eleven and fourteen? During this period, the child is already starting to look at life soberly. And if the baby knows that the cause of the divorce was drunkenness, adultery, he can take the side of only one parent, with whom he remained. It is better for him to make it clear that dad is still good, that he cannot turn away from him, because he loves him.
Teenager and divorce
It can be more difficult for a teenager to tell about a divorce than for a baby. Since at this age he begins to form as a person. And the separation of parents can cause serious injury. It is at this age that a mother should know how to tell the child the truth about the reason for separation.
He can withdraw into himself even during the initial conversation, even if the conversation was built correctly. It is necessary to give the child a chance to get used to and gradually communicate with him. But not intrusive, but when he has questions or a desire to talk.
What to do next?
If the family has to go through a divorce, then the exact reaction of the child cannot be predicted. Every baby is a separate person. Some may respond calmly, and at night to cry in the pillow. And there are such children that they themselves become the support of the mother, and help to survive the divorce. And it is right. It is necessary that the child felt necessary. You can even ask your mom to give your baby a support, saying that without his help, it will be hard for her.
The most important thing is that at this time you should not make any other important life changes. For example, moving to another city. The child should have at least some consistency, for example, a school, kindergarten. Better with the changes in life wait. Do not rush to introduce the baby with a new dad. It is necessary to give the child to get used to. At first, try to give your baby more attention. Sometimes it is enough to increase the walk time by half an hour.
It turns out that the child can survive the separation of parents less painful if you know how to tell children about divorce correctly. That is, it all depends on the parents. There is no painless divorce. If parents doubt their ability to tell the child everything well, you can ask for help from a psychologist, read literature. But the main thing - you need to help the child quickly get used to the new life, which can be even better than it was.
We tell about divorce correctly
Ideal to tell the news - a joint conversation of both parents with their own crumbs. The conversation will explain to children that their parents do not abandon them. Former spouses will continue to educate and care about children's physical and psychological health. The residence of the spouse will change, but fatherly love will remain.
In a conversation, it is necessary to avoid contradictory, conflict situations, otherwise children will misunderstand the information. Teenagers can withdraw and blame themselves for what is happening.
To compile the correct tactics of the conversation, you need to ask the advice of a child psychologist. An experienced specialist will help to soften the facts when reporting unpleasant news. He will tell you how to prepare a child for the divorce of parents, changing the family composition.
The conversation should be without offensive phrases and accusations of the opposite side. Winning the confidence of a child by such actions, parents inflict an irreversible trauma. Do not force the baby to choose: dad or mom. Unfair task. It has a negative pressure on the child's psyche. Remind the offspring of its significance. Take care of him with a vengeance.
Before the conversation, the spouses need to speak frankly, concluding a truce. Conversing, it is necessary to find out the controversial moments of the situation, to work out tactics, allowing to report a divorce correctly, from the point of view of a psychologist.
- It is necessary to honestly inform children about the divorce, explaining the situation. To explain the impossibility of further living together, which may harm the interests of the child, the parents. If during the period of joint residence of the spouses were quarrels, you need to remember them. No need to describe the details, detail the reasons for the discord. Speak the news carefully. Carefully answer the questions you have crumbs. Sometimes it is unclear how to explain the divorce to a child correctly, but you must try. The psychologist can give advice.
- Tell us what changes are coming. Focus on love. Say that you do not throw your own crumbs, you can take care of, save from harm. Words must be spoken sincerely. Children can not lie, otherwise lose their trust.
- Explain that the reason for the divorce is not bad school grades or behavior. Teen should not overcome guilt.
- Talking, avoid emotional manifestations. Tears, tantrums, screams scare children.
At the end of the divorce process, parents will disperse. Remind the children of the opportunity to see their father (mother) living separately. Teenagers will understand: for parents, they are the most important and will remain so forever.
The causes of divorce are many. Sometimes, the source of the gap is the impossibility of living together spouses: there is a feeling of hatred. The reason for the divorce can be treason, disrespect partner, alcoholism, sexual dissatisfaction, unreasonable jealousy. Reaction and impressions vary depending on the age, nature of the crumbs. Have a significant impact on how to explain the child divorce, retaining children's feelings.
- Kids 6 - 24 months do not understand what is happening. Later father's absence will be noticed. Especially negatively the situation will affect the offspring, to which the man paid enough attention and care. The baby will be capricious. The only way out of this situation is to show more attention to the mother. This advice of psychologists operates in any stressful situations.
- The crumbs of 2 - 4 years show an increased sense of fear of being alone. Anxiety leads to bad, restless sleep. Attachment to a toy or object may be found. Parents do not need to react sharply and negatively - this will pass.
- An offspring of 4 - 5 years - aggression can manifest itself. An increased level of anxiety is noticeable.
- Babies 5-7 years old have the most dynamic level of impressionability. The child is able to fully feel the scale of what is happening. Experiencing strong experiences for their own future. Stress often slows down the reaction of the baby, leads to reduced attentiveness. You can not use the situation and throw out negative feelings on the child.
Sharply going through a divorce only children. Having a older scion helps smooth out stress.
An adult brother and sister know how to explain to a child the divorce of parents - they themselves experience a similar situation, but from the perspective of an adult. Older offspring can accept parental choices.
If, due to a negative situation, health problems (insomnia, loss of appetite) are found in the baby, consult a doctor. Be sure to visit a pediatrician, child psychologist.
Convenient time for conversation
The moment of conversation must be chosen carefully. To delay with explanations of a situation, to debug conversation - to the detriment of the child. Information about the collapse of the family should come from the "first mouth". Neighbors are the worst “informants”, having a negative impact on the correct perception of the news.
Spouse filed for divorce and is going to move - the conversation should take place immediately. The news sounded before the father's move, will knock the teenager out of psychological balance. The kid will not be able to withstand stress, to perceive the information adequately. For an emotional state, it is important to start a conversation 5-10 days before the move.
Most know how to tell a child about a divorce correctly, but how to talk to a teenager? It is simpler to explain the situation to the grown up child, but it is not necessary to postpone the conversation. Teens are savvy. From scraps of conversations, mimicry, a changed family atmosphere, the offspring independently guess divorce.
It is better to tell up to the moment when the teenager will find the divorce documents on the working parent's desk.
If the family brings up younger children, ask their elders to be silent about the news at first. The conversation must be conducted separately. Старшие желают знать больше подробностей, могут дать совет для разговора с младшим отпрыском.
Супруги разводятся, а ребёнка тревожит будущее. Малыш испытывает страх неуверенности в завтрашнем дне. Обвиняет себя в разладе взаимоотношений родителей. Испытывает повышенную тревожность, выражает ее резкими изменениями поведения.
Необходимо добиться понимания отпрыска. The confident, calm attitude of the parents will make it possible to exclude or detect possible problems of behavior and health in time. When difficulties arise, it is necessary to help the child, not to be left alone with his own crumbling world.
It should regularly communicate with children, attend school, teachers. If parents divorce, the child should receive more attention to his own person. Conflict situations in communication with peers, school, backyard is difficult to avoid. Parents are obliged to be aware of emerging differences, to help in the decision: to stand up, give advice, support psychologically. Kids are keenly aware of the lack of communication and reduced parental attention.
Psychological injuries received in a gentle childhood, affect the future of the baby.
Parental divorce - a complex shock for the psyche of the crumbs. Children sometimes go through many years, transferring the bitter experience of their parents to their personal adult life. It is necessary to make every effort to ensure that the divorce does not affect the baby.
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Is it worth talking
Explaining the parents' divorce to a child is not an easy task. It is necessary to take into account age, choose the right words, think over what is worth telling, and what is better to keep silent, to be able to reassure.
Needless to say to the children that the parents are leaving each other - this issue concerns mom and dad as a very young child. It seems to them that the baby is still so insensible that it may not understand anything. As psychologists say, even with a three-year-old, it is necessary to speak about the changes in his life and in his language to explain why this happened. The kid of this age is already able to realize that something is not as it was before and, naturally, he will notice the absence in the house of one significant adult. And if you do not explain that Dad will now only come to visit, he will decide that Mom can also disappear, leaving him alone. It is important to tell what will change in his life. If predictable events occur, they do not frighten.
If older children, then by all means it is necessary to tell that parents divorce. And the sooner you do it, the better. No need to think that the parent went somewhere. Children will sooner or later understand what happened or “well-wishers” will tell them. Lying by a loved one will injure and undermine confidence.
How to tell a child about divorce
- The child needs to be told why the parents do not live together in an accessible form.
- It is necessary for the spouses to discuss in advance what and how to tell the child about the divorce. Versions should be the same so that the baby does not look for the right and the guilty. The same reasons should be voiced by grandparents if he asks a question to them. The smaller the child, the less information he should receive.
- The atmosphere in which he hears the news, should be calm. Better to do it at home than in a crowded place. So he can throw out negative emotions, shout, cry.
- It is better to have a conversation with both parents. It is important to emphasize that the decision is mutual and there are no guilty: no one should be pitied, no one should be blamed.
- The son and daughter must be sure that the parent who moves out will always be there at the right moment and, as before, loves his children very much. That did not work out with his wife, and children are loved and needed.
- Explain that it’s not a shame that parents no longer live together. And this family can be happy too.
- According to the study, about 66% of boys and girls aged 5-7 years have hopes that parents will live together again. 12% of boys whose parents are divorcing think so too. Children need to understand that the decision is final and as it will not be before. Do not give false hopes.
These are the general recommendations of psychologists, more specific questions will be discussed below.
Children perceive the news differently: someone does not even worry, taking it for granted, others try to manipulate and threaten their parents. How quickly adaptation will occur depends on several factors.
- Proximity to the parent, with whom the child does not remain. Young children often perceive dad as a person a holiday: he plays, carries on his shoulders, throws up, gives to play on the computer. The more father and child have general activities, the more difficult it will be to restructure.
- Some parents prefer to keep their children in ignorance of what is happening in the marital relationship. And the message that the father or mother will no longer live with them plunges the child into shock. After all, yesterday a stable family, and today one of its members is becoming an ex. A child who understands how tense the relationship between father and mother expects something like that.
- How tense the situation in the family. If he sees his father screaming at his mom, and maybe even beating him, then he will most likely see the divorce as the beginning of a new quiet life.
- The health of the mental and physical child and his age.
Child Psychologist Tips
Helping the child survive the divorce is quite within the powers of the parents. You need to listen to the recommendations of a psychologist.
- Try not to change your place of residence, as the child needs to maintain friendly relations and familiar surroundings.
- If you move, do not immediately change a kindergarten or school.
- If the child is older, make sure that he meets with his peers of the same sex as the absent parent as often as possible. You can write a child in the section.
- You can not limit the meeting of children with the father. The little man should have an idea about the male type of education.
- Do not make schoolchild indulgences as "he has a difficult period." He should know that there will always be demand from him and no one has canceled his duties. Let it be stability.
How do children of different ages experience such events?
It is necessary to inform children about the divorce of parents of different ages, taking into account their psychology.
So, babies 3.5-6 years old begin to blame themselves for the fact that the family has become incomplete. They consider themselves the center of everything, and everything happens only for them or because of them. Dad does not come anymore, it means that I’m bad, he doesn’t love me, so he no longer lives with us - that’s what the little man thinks. He is very keen on the current situation.
Children 7-8 years old feel anger and resentment, especially on the father. At this age, a person sees everything either black or white. The child may even refuse to communicate with the dad. There is an increase in aggression and anxiety.
10-11 years old children feel abandoned and useless, angry and angry with their parents, they are ashamed of the fact that they are diverging.
Only after the age of thirteen a person is able to realize the true reasons for the breakup of the family and all its consequences, build relationships with both parents, this is already adolescence, read about it below.
It does not matter how old a person learned about the divorce of parents at the age of 5, at the age of 7, as a teenager or as a man. It is always stress and the collapse of family values.
How to reduce the experiences of a preschooler when parents divorce
If a child is 5-7 years old, it is very important for him to know that his mother loves him and especially dadwhich leaves him.
The most valuable and feasible advice of a psychologist: do not be afraid to spoil the child! Let him feel the care and involvement of both parents and grandparents.
Think about what the common interests of the baby and dad. Perhaps when he took the child out of the garden, they would come to look at the robots in the shop window or he would read him a fairy tale for him at night with a funny voice. Ideally, this should continue for the first time. If not possible, then mom will have to take it upon themselves.
The baby does not necessarily know the true reasons for the separation of the spouses. It is enough that papa and mama can no longer live together, as it is difficult for them to negotiate, and they often quarrel. The fact that there was a third in the relationship is better to keep silent.
How to behave with a teenager
Telling a teenager about the current situation is even more difficult. At this age, a person tries to be older and more independent than they really are. Often, children become isolated and believe that they can cope with stress on their own or begin to lead an antisocial lifestyle. For a boy, male authority is more important than ever. Therefore, dad should take part in his life.
Do not lie or hide something. He is already able to analyze the situation and decide how he should communicate with each parent.
- Tell us what changes in his life, what responsibilities will appear.
- Do not undermine parental authority. Do not speak ill of the parent.
- Do not let manipulate yourself. A teenager may threaten his mother, that he will go to live with his father or stop learning. Parents must adhere to the chosen line of education. If one said no, then the second should not allow.
If possible, a child psychologist-professional should consult a teenager. This will help reduce the level of experiences, understand what is happening and develop a strategy for behavior.
If the help of a psychologist is not available to you, watch the videos posted on this page.
During a divorce, it is very difficult to think soberly and not allow yourself to talk badly about a former husband in the presence of children, 30% of women forbid children to communicate with their father at all. You will be able to preserve the psychological health of the child, only getting rid of the claims to each other, understatement and anger. Before you divorce, contact your husband and family psychologist. And if you really can not save the marriage, he will help you get out of it correctly.
When should you tell your child about the divorce of the parents?
It is better to inform the child about the outlined divorce in 2-3 weeks. By this time, you will already be confident in your decision, and your children will have time to adapt to the changes. Last but not least, he will not get the feeling that he has stayed away.
Do not start a conversation in a hurry - on the way to school, in the morning when you are going to work, or in the evening before bedtime. Choose a day off for conversation. Then both mom and dad will have the opportunity to calm the child and answer questions that he will have.
Team up to talk with your child.
Despite the problems in the relationship, parents should reject the resentment, reproaches, and the two calmly tell the child what is happening. Even if a divorce is an initiative of one of the spouses, tell the fumes that this is your common decision. Use the pronoun “we” more often, explaining why you are divorcing and how you will live now.
Remember that now is not the time to get upset and fall asleep each other by mutual accusations. This conversation is not for you, but only for the well-being of your child. He must remain confident that parents are still acting together. Therefore, adults should agree in advance on how to behave during an important conversation.
Speak immediately with all children.
If you have several children, bring them all together for a divorce conversation. If you are afraid that the elder will frighten the younger with his reaction (and the schoolchildren are better at recognizing the essence of the divorce), talk to everyone separately. However, be that as it may, both parents should talk to the child at the same time.
Explain simply and succinctly.
No matter how old a child is, telling him about divorce must be honest and simple words. Do not give hints, do not blame each other, do not make excuses and do not remember mutual insults. Children also have the right to know about what is happening in their family, so calmly explain to them why you are divorcing, do not hide anything. A complex and verbose statement of the reasons will only confuse them. We can say, for example, like this: “Your dad and I often quarreled, so we decided that we could no longer live together. This is a difficult decision, but we took it together. You are not to blame for anything, we both love you, as before. ”
It is important for children to know how their lives will change, whether it will remain stable and safe. Be sure to tell them that you will continue to take care of them: help them do their homework, go for a walk, and go on a holiday together. Explain how often the child will now see the second parent, discuss how birthdays, concerts, and other joint events will take place.
How much detail to talk about divorce, it's up to you. In any case, remember that the main thing is to tell the child true information. If he starts to worry, express fears, honestly answer him on his questions. If you yourself do not know something yet, gently explain that everything will be fine, you will find a way out of this situation.
What else should a child know about a divorce?
- Both parents - both mom and dad - will be happier after the divorce.
- Although parents will no longer be husband and wife to each other, for a child they will forever be loving mom and dad.
- Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters will still be relatives, so the relationship with them will remain the same.
- The child will have 2 houses at once, where he will always be waited and loved.
- No one is to blame for the divorce, it just happens in adults.
Ideally, you should try to do so that the child could continue to love each parent, without fear of betraying the other. This becomes a challenge for many couples who are divorcing. However, it is very important to strive for this in order not to inflict psychological trauma on the child.
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What can not say?
It makes no sense to deny that divorce is a sad event for the whole family, but it will be good if you can maintain good and respectful relations with each other. If one of the parents begins to lose his temper during the explanation or in some other way frighten the child, the second one should save the situation. Dad can say this: “Mom is very upset, it's hard for all of us. Let's take a break and continue to talk a bit later. ” Show indulgence if your husband or your wife does not cope with the situation. You started this difficult conversation for the sake of children who are very hard.
Psychologists give a few more recommendations on what to say and what not to do:
- Since you decided to tell your child about the divorce, do not give him false hopes that the parents will meet again.
- Do not scold, do not insult the husband / wife in the presence of children.
- If possible, avoid the phrase “we no longer love each other,” otherwise the child will seem that someday you will fall out of love with him.
- Do not interfere in the relationship of the child with your husband / wife, do not manipulate, forcing to choose a “bad” and “good” parent. Do not press on the child, forcing to take your side.
- Protect kids from unflattering details - from information about cheating, financial problems. Explain the divorce in general, not trying to denigrate or expose the spouse.
- Do not devote children to legal issues.
- Do not aggravate the child's emotions, constantly recalling a divorce, talking about life after it.
- Never ask a child about whom he loves more.
- Do not use children as intermediaries in your relationship with your husband / wife.
- Do not entice the child with gifts and concessions in the discipline, trying to make amends for the “divorce”.
Even if the parents have long ago turned bad, the children hope to the last that they can make up and stay together. Therefore, you should not think that it will turn out to prepare the younger members of the family for divorce so that it will pass for them absolutely painlessly.
Older children more easily tolerate the separation of mom and dad than babies. However, even at 20 and 30 years, people can be very worried because of the destruction of the family of their parents, so they also need to be sensitive about the impending divorce.
If the children are small, you need to take into account their features:
- Kids and preschoolers divorce news often baffled. Due to stress, they often have problems - insomnia, nightmares. Babies sometimes develop bedwetting, which they have not previously suffered from. It happens that for a long time after a divorce, children get upset and worried when they meet a parent who no longer lives with them.
- A child of primary school age can fantasize for a long time, dream that parents will be able to reconcile one day. Therefore, talk to your child about what is happening and why. He really needs explanations and your support.
- Older children understand the situation better. They are often angry more than the kids, and take a long time offended. Many are strongly attached to one of the parents and completely take their side.
- Adolescence is a time of dramatic changes in life and the search for one’s identity, friends, and future. During this period, the divorce of parents becomes the collapse of the whole world, although now stability and consistency are extremely important. Everything else begins to seem unreliable to the teenager, doubtful. Therefore, the separation of mothers and fathers often inflicts psychological trauma even on an adult child.
Children react to the message about the divorce of parents in different ways, so be prepared for everything: hysterical, tears, to ignore the situation. Some fall asleep mom and dad questions. Others are silent and do not show their emotions at all - such children need an incentive to talk frankly with their parents on a painful topic a little later. Do not impose this difficult conversation. Try asking a leading question - the child may want to express what he feels. Спросите о том, что чадо думает об изменениях в планах и распорядке дня после развода. Поинтересуйтесь у ребенка, есть ли у него друзья, чьи родители разведены, и как они живут.
Малыши еще не умеют четко выражать свои чувства, мысли и переживания. Поэтому важно мягко и непринужденно выводить их на разговор. Чтобы понять, что творится на душе у крохи, понаблюдайте за его настроением.
Listen to the children, encourage conversations in which they talk about what they think. The sadness of thinking about the divorce of parents sometimes happens with them much more than adults imagine. Every child is naturally egocentric, so his main concern may be the prospect of moving to another school or being separated from friends. Be sure to discuss these points.
To understand the situation, it takes time. Therefore, during a crucial conversation, and after it, mom and dad need to remain open to communication. It is important to respond to the emotional needs of the child.
If you cannot find the right words, do not be afraid to seek help from a good psychologist. He will help you and your children to cope with difficulties and learn to see the future positive.
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When and what to say
If you are going to get a divorce, then you must tell the child about the divorce. He is a member of your family. If you keep back, then give him the opportunity to think out the situation. Most likely, the baby will blame himself.
In 5-6 years, this information can be shocking, but you can’t get away with the situation. We'll have to rally with the former spouse, and then sit down and talk to everyone about the situation.
It is very important to do this together and control your own behavior. The fact that dad continues to love the baby should say it. Do not answer the questions that the baby asks the former spouse, avoid sharp corners and carelessly abandoned words that one of the participants in the dialogue may not like. Now is not the best time to sort things out.
You must protect, protect, exclude children from this conflict. Your relationship history is your own business and these grievances have nothing to do with a child. He does not need to know the details of the divorce. He has a great dad and a wonderful mom, just now they will not live together.
Divorce is an injury anyway, but the less a child participates and sees, the easier it will be in the present and the future. Right now his vision of his family, attitude towards women and men is taking shape. Even adults, having survived a difficult parting, can stop believing in the opposite sex, which complicates personal privacy. What to say about children?
If you pour out the soul of a child, tell about the injustice of the former spouse, you get temporary relief, and he ... a trauma for life. The less a baby knows, the easier it is for him to survive and accept the situation.
In adolescence (10-12 years old), the child in most cases wants to "help" parents to sort out and solve all the problems. This is even more dangerous. Children, as I said, take the position of "weak" and begin to take revenge. There is a conflict, and not with someone, but once the ideal mom or dad. Do not forget that this person plays an important role in choosing a future partner.
No matter how terrible it may sound, it is in your best interest to “protect” the former spouse in the eyes of the child. Only in this case, he has a chance to build a harmonious union in the future.
For boys, a father’s move can be a signal that it’s time for him to take on men's responsibilities, to become the head. In adolescence, "growing up" is associated with not quite the right things - aggression, alcohol, conflicts.
It is very important that the authority of the father remains so even after the divorce. It is he who is obliged to explain to the child what masculinity is and how a real man should behave.
Another unpleasant model of development of events is commercial relations, when both parents, feeling guilty, begin to bribe a teenager with gifts. He gets what he wants from both, forgetting about the important qualities that he needs to learn - independence, decency, responsibility.
What you really can not do and what you need
Many people left behind with children assign too complex a mission to the child. They feel support, but they are beginning to use it not quite correctly - attempts to “sensitize” their ex-husband or saying accumulated offenses.
Children all understand and listen eagerly, especially in the age of 14-15. They are finally considered adults. For you, this result is temporary, and in their psyche quite serious barriers are laid, which are not so easy to cope with, they will have a very lasting effect.
A child can save you, but a little differently. Try to be distracted by being with him. Do everything the same way as before, and maybe even more: go to the theater, cinema, find a common hobby and learn to forgive the person who hurt you.
Now it is unpleasant for you, painful and offensive, but these feelings harm only you. Unfortunately or fortunately, we are not able to spread the rays of hatred on others, and harm only our own psyche.
I strongly advise you to read the book by Andrei Kurpatov “7 true stories. How to survive a divorce. It does not have much information about children and relationships with them, but it will help you gain the strength that is now so necessary.
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How to build a conversation with the child?
A child should be informed about parental breakdown only when a final decision on divorce is made (an application is filed), and not after an emotional quarrel. If divorce is not intention and not reflection, but already inevitable, the child must be informed about this, but try not to go into details, that is, to give as much information as is necessary and sufficient. The older the child, the more explanations and discussions will be required.
Children up to three years, first of all, pay attention to emotions and intonation, but the words for him are still in the background, so parents will need to exert maximum efforts to stabilize their internal state, otherwise the anxiety will be transmitted to the child.
After three years, the child already needs explanations. From three to six (at preschool age) the child is inclined to accept the reason for the divorce of the parents at his own expense. It is very important in this situation to explain to the child that the relationship has changed only between mom and dad, but they still love him and he is not to blame for the gap.
It is advisable to speak with the child to both parents at once. And it is better that the position of mom and dad was agreed. Suppose there is no longer any conjugal affection between you, you still remain a family, since you are forever connected by common children. A friendly and respectful atmosphere is a necessary foundation for your child’s calmness and constructive “digestion” of this news.
The most important preparation is the preparation for the conversation of yourself and your partner. The child reads the state of the parent primarily on the physical and emotional levels. Thus, if you, going to the conversation, will worry about how the child will perceive the news, you will be nervous, pull at something in your hands, your voice will tremble, then the child’s complicated experiences will increase.
No need to talk for a long time about the gap. Try to focus on the information that will calm the child: “Dad leaves, but you will see him almost as often as before,” “Dad leaves, but he will call you every day and talk to you for a long time”.
Think about what you can offer your child in new conditions, try to be truthful and talk about those obligations that you are sure to fulfill.
Psychologist Ekaterina Kadieva wrote very well and correctly about divorce and its influence on the psyche of a child. According to her, there are rules that must be followed, telling the child about the divorce. And here are some of them.
- First, a divorce in a family is a mutual, voluntary decision of both parents, no one forces anyone.
- Secondly, it is necessary to explain to the child that the decision on divorce is final, and no one and nothing can change it.
- You should also explain to the child that he is absolutely not guilty of the fact that the parents disagree, and none of his actions will be able to influence their decision. Often children think that it was they who caused mom no longer living with dad.
2. Go into details or speak too general / abstract.
No need to discuss the details of partnerships and "adult" reasons why you decided to disperse. But at the same time one should avoid vague phrases, like “we don’t approach each other”. Children need specific indicators of a problem that they understand. For example, "You did notice that we very often quarrel with dad."
3. Insult partner, swear during a conversation.
In a situation of divorce, I really want to throw out the insult, blame the second half for all sins. But the responsibility for the divorce lies with both parents.
No need to blacken mom / dad in the eyes of a child and arrange scenes in his presence to clarify relationships. Nothing but harm to the psyche of the child, it will not bring.
In addition, there may be an opposite effect: the negative attitude will be caused just by the parent who criticizes and blames his partner. You also do not need to compare a child with a partner in a negative context (“you are the same as your father / your mother!”), Because in this situation there is a message of splitting the child’s personality into a male and female component, where one of them is a negative figure. As a result, the skills corresponding to the given figure are lost: empathy, acceptance, tenderness, if a female figure is denied, determination, progressiveness, achievements, if a male figure is denied.
4. Discuss the issue of divorce in the presence of third parties or spontaneously (on emotions).
The conversation should be held in a comfortable atmosphere for the child, one-on-one. Grandparents, close friends - not the best company for such conversations. Ask a close circle to be tactful in this situation and not to discuss with the child the question of the parents' divorce (and even more so before the parents themselves do).
5. Leave the child with one-on-one experiences.
Of course, parents' divorce is a big stress for a child, so it should not be overlooked for this period. It is necessary to try to spend more time with the child - to communicate on various topics, to go somewhere together. But to do it unobtrusively, very delicately, rather watching, rather than pestering with questions. If the child does not ask questions, it is better not to raise the topic once again, but wait until he himself becomes the initiator of the conversation. Just be near and be ready to answer questions.
And finally ...
As a rule, after a divorce, the child remains to live with the mother, it is very important that he does not lose the emotional connection with the father, then he will not feel abandoned and inferior. If the relationship between father and child was prosperous before, then most likely you will not have to look for reasons to meet.
In the case, if the father was not close to the child, the mother does not need to make this gap even more. On the contrary, you need to try to focus on what did unite the child and the father. What occupation caused mutually pleasant impressions? Maybe playing hockey or collecting coins with cities? Let the child continue to enjoy what his father has infected.
Another example: a husband valued work more than family relationships, which, in fact, was the cause of discord. Try to turn this situation so that it becomes useful for the child. It is necessary to show the ex-husband that your common child needs to acquire such qualities as performance, dedication, endurance, and that your spouse is the best example and will be able to convey it to him. Let the father teach this child, and then they will remain close.