Sometimes parents care for their children too much and help them. However, it should be understood that adults can not live a life for their child. Their task is to help children grow and gain their own experience, and here it is important not to overdo it. Today we will talk about what you should not do for children and instead of them. Study these tips and your children will thank you.
So, what parents should not do.
1. Speak for them
It all starts with those happy moments when the baby is asked: "What is your name?", And parents want to answer instead. It would be nice if this habit passed when the child learns to speak. But no, parents manage to respond even instead of teenage children in different situations: in the store, at home and in other places. And what do they get in the end? Parents rob a child of a chance to answer for themselves. You can tell the child what to answer if he asks for it. But you definitely shouldn't talk instead.
What to do? The next time you want to answer instead of a child, try to stop yourself. Give him a chance to learn how to talk to others.
2. Be their friend
Many parents are trying to make friends with their children, because they do not want them to have secrets. Parents can be understood in this situation, but let's try to look at it a little deeper. Who is a friend? This is a person with whom you can talk on an equal footing. In fact, you can tell a friend anything.
However, parents play a different role: they care for and love children. No need to try to become very close friends. Let the children look for friends among people of their own age. And they will know that they can turn to mom and dad for love and support.
What to do? Do not try to become a close friend to your child. Instead, learn to support and respect each other.
3. Desire and necessity
Parents, of course, know that broccoli is much more useful than candy, and new sneakers are more necessary than dolls. Therefore, they dictate to their children (sometimes hidden, and sometimes directly) what they should want. Just like a joke: “Mom, am I hungry? No, you're cold and you want to warm up. "
What does this behavior lead to? To suppress the desires and goals of your child. As a result, the child may choose the behavior of the victim or even rebel against you.
What to do? Pay attention to the needs and wishes of the child. If you want to instill good habits in him, you should not do it forcibly.
4. Too much help.
Two- and three-year-olds are already able to put on or take off their clothes, wash a cup after themselves, and put dirty clothes in a washing machine. Moreover, at this age, children really want to do everything themselves.
What do many parents do instead? They take care of the child almost until the wedding, justifying itself by the fact that "he cannot do this." When parents do not allow a child to act independently (for example, eat or dress), they thereby suppress his desire to experiment. And later they are surprised when a teenager is untidy or does not want to help his mother.
What to do? Allow the child to do everything he can on his own.
5. Dictate their tastes
Parents often try to impose on their children tastes and preferences in food, clothing, leisure and study. Although the intentions of the parents in this case are only positive, but by their behavior they inhibit the child’s individuality. In many cases, this leads to protest when the child acts the other way around.
What to do? Watch your favorite movies and listen to the music you love. Discuss this with your children, but do not impose your preferences on them.
6. Count their money
In each child’s life, a moment comes when parents give him pocket money. However, it is not necessary to interrogate the child and try to find out how much money he has left. The worst thing you can do is check your bags or pockets. So you instantly lose his confidence.
Do you really care how much money your son or daughter has left? Let them save as much as they want.
What to do? Teach your children financial literacy and let them manage their own money.
7. Choose hobbies and interests
Mom wants her daughter to play the violin, and is ready to carry her across the city to the music school 3 times a week. And dad wants his son to play football every night. It is no secret that parents often unconsciously try to impose their hobbies on children.
What to do? Be patient and watch the children. Pay attention to their interests and inclinations. Ask what they like and let them grow in this area.
8. Take their successes for their
Many instams publish photos of their children with captions: “We ate! We started walking! ”And so on. Of course, mothers are very helpful to their children, but nevertheless, this is the success of the children, not their parents! Who are we"?
When children grow up, everything becomes even more serious. Moms and dads begin to talk about how their children graduated from college and found work, attributing these services exclusively to themselves. It's easy to see why kids hate it.
What to do? Rejoice in the success of your children, but do not confuse them with yours.
9. Choose gifts for them.
If the child can already speak, he has the right to choose a gift for himself. And it does not have to be a T-shirt or a developmental toy. Of course, it’s not always worth letting the child choose. But this behavior gives him the most important thing: the ability to choose, make decisions and face the consequences. Such skills are always useful in adulthood.
What to do? Allow the child to choose the gifts he wants.
10. Interfere in privacy
This is especially true for parents of teenagers. At this age, their children already have their own friends, and they begin to go on dates. This is normal and completely natural. But the question “Who is this guy?” Will only irritate your daughter. Many children and without questioning will want to share such personal things with their parents, but only if they feel safe.
What to do? Instead of interrogating your child, leave him a personal space. Do not ask too many questions if you see that the child does not want to share personal information. And, of course, never read the personal messages of your children.
1. Treat the child as an ordinary person, only small
Perhaps this is the most important advice that lies at the origins of the rest of the tips from this article.
Please note that those people who are most successful in establishing contact with children (I watched with the example of educators, doctors, coaches with whom my child comes in contact) communicate with them calmly, in a balanced, normal manner, explaining difficult things to them. These people, from the very beginning, perceive the child as a full-fledged person, only make allowances for the fact that he is still small. And this approach is captivating children.
You can take this strategy into service and stop lisping with children if it’s already far from babies. Maintain a full-fledged dialogue with them, but not from the “adult-adult” position, but from the “child-to-child” position. Notice that children always easily find a common language with each other, difficulties begin when we grow up. Therefore, “lower” yourself temporarily to the level of a child. This means that there is no need to openly doubt if you hear such statements: "Yesterday, a huge plane flew to our garden." Instead, develop the conversation: “Seriously? Want to tell me about it? ”
2. Go down to the eye level of the child.
When we come to a kid's club with a child, the teacher always bends down or crouches to greet or ask something of the child. According to her, this helps her move away from the “adult-child” communication pattern and demonstrate her respect and equality. Judging by how well she is able to establish contact with children, this is excellent advice.
3. Do not praise the child directly
If at the meeting you want to make a compliment to the child, focus on his clothes or on the object he holds in his hands. When strangers touch something personal, they risk making the child even more shy.
All that is required at the first meeting is to relieve the tension that arises in the child upon contact with a stranger. For example, you can build a dialog like this:
“Wow, what a beautiful truck you have!” Probably, he carries sand to the construction site.
So you switch the child's eyes to a toy instead of the frightening face of a stranger. This trick will help buy time for your child to get used to your voice.
Or here's another trick that might help. If you see a character from a cartoon on your clothes or in the hands of a child who is familiar to both of you, this is a great excuse to start a conversation.
- Wow, this is a fix? - you ask.
“Fix,” the child replies after a short pause.
- And what is the name of this fixed? - you develop the dialogue.
The subject of common interest is always a good reason to find mutual understanding with both adults and children.
Or another way that our grandfather uses when my friends come to visit with their children. He intentionally includes an error in what he says:
“What beautiful yellow sandals you have,” he says to the child.
“They are blue,” he says.
- Similarly, blue. I lost my glasses, and I don’t see them well without them. Have you seen them?
“They are on your nose,” the child replies with a smile.
After this joke, children easily come in contact with him.
4. Express the emotions of the child on your face
You can often find situations when people laugh, when a child cries, in attempts to cheer him up. What really happens? The child cries even louder, falling more into despair, as if he says: “Why no one understands me?”.
Next time, when you meet your child in upset feelings, try to make a sad face and sympathize. In most cases, it helps, and the baby is easier to contact.
5. Talk about his things and toys.
If you are at home with a child, be interested in his toys and books: “Do you like to read? What is your favorite book? Could you show it?".
This trick works well not only with children, but also with adults, because we all love the heightened interest in our person.
Or, if you need something to take the child, while his parents were away, an excellent solution is to offer to draw. And if suddenly a child finds this occupation too boring, ask him to draw with his eyes closed. And then together guess what he drew.
6. Become your child.
The best way to get along with children is to give free rein to the child that lives inside you.
Become your child among those around you. Accept their rules, and do not impose your own. Play the games they want to play. Talk to them about what they are interested in listening to. Read the books they like.
7. A universal way to get along with children in all situations.
There is one trick that works almost always with all children. Surely you have seen how other adults use it, and perhaps they themselves used it.
Cover your eyes with your hands. Keep them like that for a while. Then slowly spread your fingers and look at the child. A smile will appear on his face. After several repetitions, laughter and joy will fill the baby.
This list cannot be completed without your participation. If you have something to add, write about it in the comments below.
Disruption of socialization - when should you worry?
The lack of social contact with children is bound to alarm any parent. However, individual moms and dads are satisfied with a lonely child, because it is convenient. All the time in sight, and does not disappear with friends, from which you can gain bad habits. Busy with household chores, not hanging on the phone. Does not bring home noisy peers, after which a migraine attack begins. It happens that adults themselves unwittingly isolate the child because of constant anxiety and fears. Is it good? Of course not!
Reluctance to interact with their surroundings - alarming bell. It is no secret that the future life depends on the ability to communicate with peers: personal and professional success, achievement of career heights. By what signs can you guess that your child is lonely and has serious problems with communication?
Personalized video greeting from Santa Claus
- The child constantly complains that the guys in the kindergarten or school do not want to play with him, make friends and even laugh at him. By the way, you will not hear such confessions from shy and reserved children.
- It is worth a closer look at the behavior on the playground. The kid can run, swing on a swing, build a sand castle, but at the same time he does not contact with other children or, conversely, arranges numerous conflicts.
- The peculiar isolation is especially noticeable in a group or classroom where children spend most of the day together. Look at who your child is talking to, whether he is asking someone for help. At the matinees, note how active he is, whether group mates choose him as a couple for dances and competitions.
- The little unsociable person is not eager to talk about kindergarten friends, you have to literally pull this information out of him. He does not suffer from a lack of friends, is extremely reluctant to go out, likes to stay home for the weekend and play alone.
- The child with great reluctance goes to the garden or school, trying to find any loophole to not attend. He returns from school / kindergarten upset and nervous. Any inquiries are answered evasively: "I do not want to talk about kindergarten".
- Birthday turns into a really sad holiday without classmates. By the way, they also do not want to see him at their own celebration.
Of course, there are children who are not particularly in need of a company - for example, introverts or so-called geeks. They are self-sufficient and any interference with peer relations is perceived with hostility. And yet, if you have noted disturbing signals that indicate serious difficulties in communication, take all the necessary measures to better socialize the child.
Causes of childhood unsociation
- Children are often cruel and come up with offensive nicknames to those who are at least something different from them. Excessive fullness, stuttering, wearing glasses, red hair - all this can become a favorite reason for ridicule and, consequently, unwillingness to contact peers.
- Popularity in the team may depend on the financial situation and appearance. Teenagers often mock those who have unfashionable clothes or an old model of a mobile phone.
- The child grows up in an inhospitable family, in which he is constantly told that friends can deceive and betray. Adults also find negative traits in each friend of a son or daughter: he studies poorly, behaves disgustingly, his dad works as an ordinary janitor.
- Perhaps the parents are busy at work or have sent all the energy to the newly born baby. If adults do not pay enough attention to the child, he begins to consider himself unnecessary and is able to abandon interaction with peers.
- Shy children often become outcasts in kindergarten and school, as they cannot offer an interesting game and are afraid to make contact themselves. Forced isolation in early childhood due to chronic illness, mother's anxiety and suspiciousness lead to shyness and fear of doing wrong.
- If a child behaves aggressively, considering that conflicts need to be resolved with the help of fists and curses, then with a high degree of probability, isolation and lack of friends are waiting for him.
- A preschooler, brought up on the basis of the “idol of the family,” always strives to be the first, not wanting to take into account the interests of other children. Such a minion refuses to be friends with anyone who does not accept his privileged position.
- At risk are the so-called homemade children, who most of their time communicate with their grandmother and do not go to kindergarten. They have difficulty adapting in primary school because they do not have the skills to interact with a group of children.
The kid is not friends with anyone: what to do
- If the reason for the isolation of the child is an old mobile phone and outdated wardrobe, you do not need to immediately acquire the most expensive things and a smartphone. Find out his tastes and preferences, and then discuss the purchase of a fashionable gadget, but taking into account the family budget. Children will become more confident if you reckon with their opinion.
- Write down your child in the sports section or dance club, if low social status is associated with being overweight. Thus, you save him from the many complexes about the appearance and help you make new friends or make friends with classmates who also attend this circle.
- Seek support from a psychologist if communication difficulties arise due to the behavior of a preschooler: aggressiveness, excessive touchiness, pamperedness, arrogance.
- Малышу необходимо чувствовать вашу поддержку, поэтому уделяйте ему максимум внимания. Расскажите о собственном негативном опыте, связанным с тем, что у вас в детстве тоже было мало друзей. Make special emphasis on successfully resolving this situation.
- Arrange in your home happy holidays, which invite children from kindergarten, school. Perhaps, outside the walls of the educational institution, children will be able to make friends much faster. Meet the parents of other kids and get out for common family activities: sit in a cafe, take a walk in the park.
- Charge your child to share candies or apples, so he will gain the necessary authority among peers. Bring multicolored chalks and a ball to the playing field and organize joint entertainment, in the center of which will be your offspring. Also contributing to the emergence of sympathy and friendship are outdoor games: hide-and-seek, salochki, blind man's buff.
- Support every step of your quiet who has decided to meet other children. Try not to give negative marks to his friends and friends, so as not to destroy the initiative and freedom of choice.
- Ask your teacher or class teacher to include the child more often in theatrical activities and role-playing games. Such classes will help him cope with shyness, reveal artistic talent and build friendly relations with people around him.
- By the way, an experienced teacher will tell you who in the group is best in contact with the baby. Ask them to sit at one table for lunch and educational activities.
Trying to improve the relationship of your child with peers, be extremely tactful: do not force him to be friends with someone, do not impose communication with other children. Remember, careless intervention in personal living space can lead to undesirable consequences.
We also read:
Olga Gavrilova, child psychologist and family relations specialist, told about how to help a child make friends:
Hello girls! Today I will tell you how I managed to get in shape, lose 20 kilograms, and finally get rid of creepy complexes of fat people. I hope the information will be useful to you!
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Nikitina Marina Dmitrievna
Your son has communication problems related to self-esteem.
He somehow weakly manifests itself in the team, so it does not cause interest among classmates.
I want to inform you about the following information:
Children aged 7-10 are beginning to actively build an I-image. Create your own self-image. This is closely related to self-esteem.
Self-esteem in a child is formed on the basis of how it is appreciated by close people (parents). What we think about our children, they think about themselves.
I assume that what you think about your son does not coincide with what you say to him. This usually creates a dualistic self-image in the child.
I can only assume that you have your own problems in communication (friendship), which you unconsciously project onto your son.
You should understand this, it will help you to be effective in raising your son.
Good answer 2 Bad answer 0
Idrisov Galikhan Abdeshevich
Psychologist Almaty Last seen: Today
Answers on site: 7422 Conducts trainings: 0 Publications: 14
To draw conclusions and write an analytical review with the alleged reasons for the difficulties of your son is not a good thing.
Rather, I want to say that it is better to see once than hear a hundred times. See you with your son.
See and ask questions.
Listen and hear.
Not to tell you, but to make You - heard.
Not to show you - but to make it so that You - saw.
They heard and saw what was going on with you - with you, with your son.
How and what to do -You choose yourself.
Hoping for success,
Good answer 1 Bad answer 0
Rudometova Olga Vladimirovna
Psychologist Almaty Last seen: 3 days ago
Answers at site: 1244 Conducts trainings: 0 Publications: 15
I very much understand your concern for your son! And your desire to help him!
But the effectiveness of assistance depends on the cause of the current situation, which is desirable to investigate, and this is possible only in a personal meeting, but not in correspondence! Come and see!
From SW. and the attention of O. V.
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Galochkina Elena Borisovna
Your son, in my opinion, has all the signs of an incipient neurosis (communication problem, nail gnawing). And the point is not in the absence of the father, as such, but in the fact that this absence is somehow presented to the boy (by you and, possibly, by other family members), which the child thinks is not in his favor. When a child gnaws at his nails, this means his auto-aggression (aggression on himself), and it usually arises from guilt and low self-esteem, a sense of its worthlessness and uselessness. You need to search with a psychologist for the sources of this attitude of your son to yourself. These sources are exactly in you and in the family system in which your son grows. Of course, they are unconscious, but no less serious. And here you need to change something if you want to eliminate the source of the constant neuroticism of your son. And with the parents of classmates is useless to speak, the reason is not in them. All the best, Elena.
Good answer 4 Bad answer 0
Kaydarova Asel Abdu-Alievna
Hello, Saul! The boy is at that age when he needs to present himself to the world and make friends. Perhaps his inner sense of self (I am bad or I am not very valuable) prevents him from expressing himself openly. This may be the absence of the father, feeling unprotected, not safe. It is important YOUR attitude to the father of the child. Whatever he was, it is important to convey to the child that if it were not for dad, he would not have been born. If you have a grudge against the father of the child, try to forgive him and thank him for being with you for a while and you have a child from him. Remember his good points and thank him for it. This is very important not only for you, but also for the child. I do not know what happened to you with the father of the child, in any case, this is an important component so that the paternal ancestral energy is not interrupted and the boy can feel and perceive it. The way you react painfully to the fact that some boys are not friends with a child also increases his anxiety and nervousness. It is a good idea not to support in the boy the feeling that he is not like that and that someone is not friendly. . These are not friends, but others are friends. It is better to focus on its good qualities than on the disadvantages. Give him more initiative in solving some of his own problems. The only thing he needs from you right now is unconditional love, support in all his endeavors, manifestations, and the remarks of his success. In our city there are centers where you can take him to teenage groups - he is just beginning to enter adolescence and it is better to forestall his difficulties in advance. If you are interested in it, I can give you the information, write me on the e-mail. And you better also turn to the psychologist in person to understand your behavior patterns with your son. Contact, I will be glad to help. Sincerely, Assel.
Treat them like adults
Almost all doctors, teachers, trainers and other specialists who have extensive experience in the field of pedagogy and active communication with children do not divide people into age groups, but they are trying to treat small children as a fully formed personality. They explain complex things to the child and speak with him in a calm and friendly tone. Children like it when adults talk to them like equals. But it is important not to forget that there is a child in front of you.
Do not talk from the “I am in charge” position, it will make the baby feel uncomfortable.
Make sure your eyes are level with the eyes of the child.
One important detail that will help you overcome the chasm while communicating with the baby is full eye contact. If you want to get away from the “adult-child” scheme and start an equal dialogue, sit down so that your eyes are on the same level as his eyes. This gesture will give you the opportunity to show your respect to the kid. Communication based on respect and equality helps to establish friendships between the child and the adult.
Be careful with praises
If you want to give the child a compliment, praise his clothes or the toy he holds. Attempting to touch on a more personal topic can only add to his discomfort.
All that needs to be done at the first meeting is to get rid of the feeling of tension caused by communication with a stranger. A simple question about the toy in his hand will help switch the child’s gaze from your face to the subject. This technique will give you some time to get your child accustomed to your voice.
Copy their emotions and facial expressions.
Often, adults try to cheer up a crying baby with funny faces, funny sounds or jokes. Unfortunately, their efforts to raise children's spirit are wasted, and the child continues to cry even louder.
The fact is that such behavior plunges the child into depression - he thinks that no one understands him.
The next time you get upset baby, make a sad face and try to express sympathy. This will help facilitate mutual understanding and add to your popularity in his eyes.
Try to be one of them.
If you have been asked to look after other people's children for a bit, you can try to establish friendly relations with them. Remember that children do not like it when an outsider begins to dictate their conditions.
On the contrary, it is better to accept their rules, if they do not contradict the security measures and your value system. Give them the opportunity to play those games that they like, or read a book that seems interesting to them. Free your inner child and become one of them.
Give the child enough attention
If you want to get on with the child, but at the same time do nothing and follow the path of least resistance, you will not achieve the desired result. Indifference in the relationship between the child and the adult is unacceptable, because it usually leads to misunderstanding.
As an adult, you must take the first step towards friendship with the baby you are responsible for. How to do this? Take the initiative, spend more time and treat your new little friend with respect. In addition, it is important not to forget that they, like us, have their own interests, needs and preferences.
Play with them
The game is a wonderful and interesting way to spend time. It unites people of all ages, breaks down psychological barriers, frees feelings and facilitates the process of dating. No matter how old you are, never hesitate to play with children. You will feel younger, and the eyes of the child will sparkle with happiness. You can start by playing hide and seek - this is one of the favorite children's games.
We hope our simple tips will help you to throw away doubts and overcome fears that prevent communicating with other children.