Do you know that 40% of modern marriages are re-marriages? And according to statistics, three out of five adoption procedures are committed in mixed (combined) families, not adoptive. (Combined called families in which one spouse has children from a previous marriage.)
Increasingly, women have to master the role of stepmother. And the man - the role of stepfather. We can safely increase the statistics, because not all mixed families carry out a formal adoption-adoption procedure. Someone simply does not register relationships, and in some families, children live on the principle of "children of the day off."
When I found out about these numbers, I was surprised. “Wow, how many of us there are!” - I thought about women who have to try on the dishonest word “stepmother”.
In my articles, I use this word to refer to the role of a woman. Women who somehow interact with the children of her husband. Children may be in the family of the father or biological mother. The mother of the children may be alive or dead. Husband's children can appear in the father’s house just a couple of times a year. In any case, a woman in relation to the children of her husband is a stepmother. I propose to withdraw from the "fairy" context of the word and take it neutral.
So, when I learned that there are so many of us, I thought about what would help us, women, to master the role of the stepmother and feel happy in her, or at least a woman contented with life? As usual, it’s better to start with yourself. And I was curious: what character traits, personality traits, features of a woman help to improve relations with a child, and which are the opposite?
After all, not every woman becomes a stepmother. Someone even difficult to imagine how she would get along with the children of another woman. In addition, the future stepmother may not even be aware of the difficulties that she will have to endure in relations with the children of her husband before they encounter them. What does she then help build family relationships - what qualities, skills, abilities, resources?
And I decided to conduct a study. What qualities should be developed, what could be the cause of conflicts, what can be corrected, what can be strengthened, etc. Definitely, communication is affected by the qualities I’m writing about below. But how specifically do they affect (or not?) In the case of a relationship with her husband's child — I hope you will help if you pass the test at the end of the article. For my part, I undertake to give feedback in which will be:
1. Test results that will help you learn more about yourself
2. Designation of a possible problem area of relations with a husband’s child
3. Recommendations: what to do to make contact with the child.
4. After the end of the study - a link to the article with the results.
Definitely, communication affects: self-esteem, how much we accept ourselves and other people, the “locus of control” of a person, the desire for power, anxiety, a tendency to conflict, the ability to empathy.
Self-esteemand women are the ability to assess their own strengths and capabilities and treat themselves critically. It is the basis of what a woman considers herself capable of. Healthy self-esteem helps to adapt to the husband's family, find its special place in it, withstand possible provocations by the ex-wife, children or husband's parents, as well as manage conflicts. You know that by marrying a divorced man, you marry with his entire former family?
Self-esteem may be adequate and inadequate. Adequate self-esteem forms self-confidence, self-criticism, perseverance, demandingness, inadequate - insecurity (low self-esteem) or excessive self-confidence (high self-esteem), uncriticality.
Flexibility in evaluating oneself is also important. The ability to change their behavior under the influence of experience is necessary to adapt to the new role. Somewhere to recognize their limitations, somewhere to be more persistent.
I dare to suggest that a woman with adequate self-esteem is much easier and easier to accept someone else's child. After all, as K. Rozders, an American psychologist, said, the more a person accepts himself, the higher the likelihood that he accepts others. E. Fromm, a German sociologist and philosopher, argued that self-love and love for others go hand in hand, and that self-dislike (or low self-esteem) is accompanied by substantial hostility towards others.
2. Acceptance of other people. Tolerance.
I will repeat an important thought: we do not accept other people (and children as well!) If we do not accept ourselves. It turns out that the more a woman accepts herself, the easier it is to relate to the peculiarities and oddities of the child.
I like the definition adoption, which gives K.Rodzhers in his book.
"Accepting the other is a warm disposition towards him as a person who has absolute value, independent of his condition, behavior or feelings. This means that you like him, you respect him as an individual and you want him to feel in his own way. It means that you accept and respect the whole range of his relationships at the moment, regardless of whether they are positive or negative, contradict his previous relationships or not. "
In life, it is often not so easy to do this, but after all, there is something to strive for, right?
Let's remember another social concept.
Tolerance - tolerance for a different worldview, lifestyle, behavior and customs. Tolerance is not tantamount to indifference. It also does not mean accepting alien views or lifestyles. It is to give others the right to live with their own mind and their values.
In my opinion, for a stepmother in relation to other children, even the attitude to be tolerant helps to establish warm relations. Especially in the beginning, when a woman gets acquainted with the habits of the child and his behavior. Tolerance is necessary in order not to rush to rehabilitate a child in its own way, but to accept it as it is - a child of its parents.
Term "Internality" closely related to the concept «locus of control».
Locus of control - the characteristic of a person, which reflects his inclination to see the cause of his successes and failures either in external circumstances, conditions and strengths, or in himself, his efforts, his shortcomings, in the presence or absence of his abilities or defects. one
Internal called a person with an internal locus of control. External - a person who relies more on the environment, i.e. man with an external locus of control.
How does a woman establish relationships with her husband's children? Who relies on in their actions, judgments and conclusions?
Does responsibility for the relationship take over or gives up everything in the hands of the husband. Looking for the causes of what is happening in yourself or in circumstances. He relies on his knowledge and skills or asks his girlfriends, relatives, husband for advice. Whether trying to make an effort or asking for help from others, relies on her husband on many issues. Blames himself or his children, ex-wife and husband for conflicts or troubles. I am sure that she will cope with all the issues herself or shares her area of responsibility.
It cannot be said that internality is good, and externality is bad. Rather, we should strive to allow ourselves in some circumstances to ask for help, to shift the responsibility to the husband in some cases, and in some cases to think about what I can change for the better.
4. The desire to dominate. Power.
Power is a multifaceted concept. For our theme is important power:
1-as the ability to order in conditions where the one who is ordered is obliged to obey the one who orders,
2- as a need, motivation in actions and relationships between people.
There are several types of power, here are some of them:
1) coercive power build on the fear of punishing the child, depriving him of some benefits. This often works, prompting the child to act as we need. However, the abuse of punishments affects the atmosphere in the family and can lead to a child’s bad attitude, to the fact that the child will sooner or later hide his insubordination, deceive and hide his failures, failures, and leprosy. In addition, to apply this kind of power in the first years of living together for a stepmother is impossible, since there is no “moral right”.
2) reward power: when a woman rewards a child with something, if he obeys, he does what he needs, achieves success and what the stepmother wanted. Moreover, it can be both a material reward (gift), and recognition, praise or joint pastime at the request of the child, for example, a game. However, in this case there is an element of fear of punishment in case of non-compliance.
3) expert power occurs when the child realizes that the stepmother is a wise, intelligent, knowledgeable adult. When a child knows that she can come to her stepmother and ask her something — she will tell, complain — she will judge, and in general, she can tell everything — she will help. She has experience and knowledge that he does not have. And the child recognizes this. In short, when a woman becomes an authority for a child. Having such power in a relationship can take years.
4) reference authority based on the identification of the child with the stepmother, on the feeling of communion with her. In this case, the stepmother is a role model. If a girl, for example, sees a beautiful woman in a stepmother and tries to imitate her in clothes and manners.
In negative forms, such a form of power can manifest itself in the case when, for example, the stepdaughter has a bad attitude towards the stepmother and does "only not like she."
5) legitimate authority - the rule of law. For example, the formalization of guardianship. (NA Melnikova, Crib on social psychology. - M. Allel. 2000-2005 -64 p.)
What kind of influence and power do you use? How strong is your desire for power in general?
Anxiety - such a psychological feature, which is manifested in the inclination of a person to often experience strong anxiety for various minor reasons. It can be considered as a personal education, or as a feature of temperament, or both.
1. Situational anxiety - anxiety in any particular area associated with something permanent (school, examination, anxiety when meeting, etc.)
2. General anxiety - anxiety, freely changing their objects, depending on what objects become meaningful for a person.
Relationships in a combined family are affected by the level and type of anxiety of a woman. Perhaps there are some special situations when a woman is anxious (for example, the road), and then it can somehow be controlled or adapted to them, ask for help from family members. Or, in principle, a woman is characterized by a high level of personal anxiety, and then all sorts of events can bring her out of balance. Does it affect the relationship with the child? Sure. Does this influence the establishment of contact between them - a topic for research.
6. Ability to empathy.
Empathy - this is a conscious empathy for the emotions and feelings of the other person and at the same time the understanding that these emotions do not belong to you.
Empathy means “to enter into the personal world of another and to be at home in it. ... This is a temporary living of another's life, promotion in it carefully, subtly, without judgment ... As if you become this other, but without losing the feeling “as if” (C. Rogers) (Rogers C. Empathy // Psychology of Motivation and Emotions / ed. Yu.B. Gippenreiter, MV Falikman. M .: CheRo, 2002. p. 428–430.)
The ability to empathize will help the stepmother empathize with the child, understand him, his feelings and emotions, designate and name them. Thanks to empathy, we can put ourselves in the child’s place and act on the basis of the knowledge gained about the child’s condition and needs. Sometimes you really want to respond to the behavior of the child impulsively, as they say, "from your emotions." At such moments, the ability to empathy helps to switch to the state of the child and agree amicably.
Have you ever thought how easy it is for you to accept yourself and other people? Do you consider yourself an imperious woman? Perhaps to command people is your strong need, and then it is important for you to find opportunities to somehow satisfy it.
How do your emotions affect relationships with your child and other people? Maybe the fact is that you need to learn how to dose the manifestations of your emotions and feelings, or, conversely, express them in a more explicit form.
In order to get answers to all these questions, to learn your strengths and weaknesses in dealing with a child, I suggest you take the test.
After participating in the study, you will receive feedback in the form of survey results, comments and recommendations. At the end of the test you will find a surprise - a gift!
If the family stepmother ...
Stepmother in the family - this is a big problem. It can happen because of various reasons. Suppose my own mother was seriously ill and died. Or he and she just fell out of love with each other, the constant scandals led to divorce. In most cases, the law is on the side of the woman and leaves the children with her. But sometimes they stay with the father.
A man cannot raise his children himself, he needs to work to support them. But you can't leave the kids without supervision, and then he will marry a second time. So appears in the family stepmother. Small children, far from the hardships of life, do not understand why their own mother left, and the newly appeared “mother” is met quite good-naturedly.
It is a different matter when children are already quite adult. New woman in the house they meet unfriendly. And there is no guarantee that the relationship with the stepmother will develop. Even if she treats them well. It’s not for nothing that it is said that “though the stepmother is kind, it’s not my mother”.
A lot in this case depends on the father. Will he be able to make the children believe the stepmother, because they have a vivid memory of the mother. Suppose that the house often heard abuse and quarrels, but for them she was dear, they got used to her since childhood. And then a stranger should replace mom, cook and send to school.
It is important how she behaves in relation to the stepdaughter and stepchild of the stepmother. If she married a man with a “weight” for a great love, she should carefully and attentively treat his children. When she begins to take carelessly, often shrugs off communication with them, it will not be possible to establish a trusting contact.
The child feels false in relations with adults, closes, goes into his dreams, from where it is not easy to pull him out. Often in such families, adolescents have deviant behavior - they violate generally accepted standards of morality, often do not get along with the law. Suppose a student skips lessons or runs away from a family. No wonder it says that "a stepmother drives out of the house, and a bear comes out of the forest."
Relationship stepson with non-native mother
The relationship between stepmother and stepson is unlikely to develop serenely at first. The main role is played by the behavior of women. Will she warm his heart, adjust benevolently towards herself. He remembers his own mother and will look with disbelief at the one that is trying to replace her.
Will she have enough tact and heartiness so that her stepson will feel not a bureaucratic, but a warm attitude towards herself? If pedagogical talent is not given by nature, it is difficult to expect that a child will develop friendly relations.
Suppose the baby breaks to the stepmother took him in her arms, and she refuses. The boy is naughty, he wants the warmth of women's hands, like mom's, and gets a cold rebuke. This is remembered and causes rejection, the boy's heart feels that this woman is a stranger to him, his mother will never be.
And let the father prove that he brought a good “mother” into the house, the baby will be fine with her, he does not believe this. She begins to treat the newly-minted mother cautiously and constantly being naughty, expressing her attitude towards a woman in this way. This is intuitively mixed with jealousy, the stepson subconsciously jealous stepmother to his mother, trying to find flaws in her manners and behavior.
The boy is very sad that everyone has a mother, and he has a strange aunt in his house. There is growing irritation to her and her own father, who could not save his mother. The child grows up, along with him growing alienation to the stepmother. Father's authority falls. The family develops an unhealthy environment. The guy ignores all the words and deeds of adults, he is ill at home, he finds solace among his peers.
And it’s not at all a fact that communicates with good friends. Feeling resentment at the stepmother and father makes one seek solace in alcohol and drugs. Problems begin with the law. So often develops a child’s development in a family where the stepson’s relationship with the stepmother and father did not develop.
But it may be quite different. The father brought a truly good woman to the house, she lovingly treats his son. Let him not native, but became close, she puts all his strength and effort into his education. The boy feels it and reaches for it with all his heart. Stepmother won the trust of the stepson, and this is so important in family life! She is not a dear fellow, but he will always feel confidence in her. Even becoming an adult.
In this house, peace and quiet. Happy adults, satisfied baby. He believes in his father and trusts his stepmother. In a family where everything is going well, it is unlikely that a bad child will grow up. Гармония в отношениях взрослых — это лад в детской душе. Не «вырастет из сына свин», если отец и мачеха хорошо относились к нему с детства.
Отношения падчерицы с неродной матерью
Отношения мачехи и падчерицы могут быть прекрасными, а возможно, что совсем не сложатся. Двум представительницам женского пола всегда легче найти общий язык, чем, допустим, отчиму с неродной дочкой. Psychology of an adult woman initially implies that she must meet the understanding of the girl. Especially if it is small.
The little girl was told that her own mother was gone for a long time, now she must obey her new mother. She believes these words and trustfully meets her father’s new wife. The stepmother's case to turn the credit of trust, issued by the baby, into a sustainable, friendly attitude towards yourself. Does she have enough talent, pure female warmth and participation to her stepdaughter?
If a woman can replace her own mother, then the girl will reach out to her, will rightfully consider her a member of her family. Especially when he sees that his father loves his new wife. Time heals wounds, sadness and grief about the mother will gradually go away, the child will forget her and give all her childhood love to the stepmother.
If the child is proud, he can make claims, another woman will unwittingly compare with his mother. A stranger in the house is new habits that are not always liked. The girl is capricious, showing her independence, thus showing that she must be respected and reckoned with. And it is good when the stepmother sensitively catches the mood of her little stepdaughter.
When a divorced man, having already a rather adult daughter, brought a new woman into the family, a difficult relationship arises between her and the girl. The stepdaughter is already in her teens, she begins to be interested in boys, so she perceives her father’s wife as a rival who took her mother’s place. She cannot forgive the new romance of her daddy and does not perceive her stepmother.
Adults will have to put a lot of effort to reassure the girl and gain her confidence. By shouting and pulling out, they say, “yes, you should stop frowning as much as you can!”, You can hardly achieve anything. Adolescents perceive painfully moralizing and attempts to impose their will on them. At this age, children are ruffy, and if they are still left without a mother, they experience serious stress.
This should be understood by the father, because he must think about how his daughter will perceive his new passion. If the girl grew up spoiled, she has a nervous nature, she may not accept the newly-made family member. And this is a conflict - quarrels and constant abuse, even to the point of hysteria “how much I’m tired of you, my eyes wouldn’t see you!”.
In order to communicate less with the stepmother, the girl will begin to seek solace on the side, in the company of the same problematic children. And it can even run away from home, and it’s good if she returns or can find her in time. According to Russian statistics, such shoots are made by girls aged 14-15 years.
This is already a serious family problem requiring urgent solutions. If adults pass in front of her, the help of a specialist is needed. Only a psychologist will help to resolve such a difficult situation and suggest a way out of it.
Of course, not everything in life is so gloomy. Much more often, the stepmother and the stepdaughter, even if there is no warm relationship between them, are completely "ground up" to each other and find a common language. It is unlikely to ever be eager to love the child of her husband, but to establish friendly, purely human contact with him. At least for the love of the man with whom he lives.
The proverb says that "the stepmother is cold as snow." About such an evil and cold woman fairy tale "Twelve months." The end of her is happy, the villain-stepmother has not ruined her stepdaughter. She disappeared along with her own daughter. And the girl grew up and became happy.
Many girls for various reasons live without their own mother. And if the father brought another woman, she is not always so angry as in a fairy tale. A clever stepmother can build relationships with her stepdaughter. In such a family, the girl will not feel defective.
Can I love a stepmother?
If the relationship with the stepmother is bad, there’s no need to talk about peace in the family. There are a lot of proverbs and fairy tales about such cruelties, for example, “Cinderella”, but nevertheless the step mother is not always the “house of poison”. Children may well love a woman who replaced her mother. In a real person there is always a good thing, for which you can not love it, so respect it.
The stepson and stepdaughter can be quite tolerant of a stepmother if she:
- Sincerely interested in children. This is evident in her attitude towards them. Suppose the child cooks breakfast and sends him to school with a warm farewell, for example, “come back soon, my father and I are waiting for you with impatience”. If, however, he is constantly scolded by him so that he behaves well, because “he is tired of listening to the remarks from the teachers,” the relationship is unlikely to develop. Such a “home teacher” children will shun.
Friendly. Woman openly tuned to all people. This is immediately apparent in nature. Appearing in the house, trying to make friends with children. They catch it, although at first they may be wary of her, because the pain of parting with her mother has not yet passed (for example, she left them). Time heals any sores, the old wound will heal, the stepdaughter and the stepson will necessarily make friends with their friendly stepmother.
Mild and patient. Her husband's children met her unfriendly. She understands that she cannot immediately become a kindred person for them, perhaps she will never be. However, he does not answer them with the same coin - he does not become humiliated and offended by distrust in a pose. With a smile, she continues to take care of them, wisely arguing that “patience and hard work will be done” - the stepdaughter and stepson will treat her with respect.
Equal attitude to their children and non-native. The woman married a man with a child, and then she gave birth. So in the family appeared consolidated, for example, brother and sister. If she lovingly treats them both, the stepson will notice and reciprocate. It is possible that he will not love the stepmother as his own mother, but he will not be rude to her, her attitude towards him makes him feel warm.
Attentive. Watching children, they are decently dressed, always fed, worried about their health. But he knows everything in moderation. It does not become too annoying, which may not have the best effect on relations with the stepdaughter and stepchild. Does not please them, keeps a reasonable distance. This causes respect for the stepmother.
How do children build relationships with their stepmother?
How to improve relations with the stepmother, so that there is order and peace in the family? Much depends on the father. A man should explain to children that he loves this woman, he believes that they will have a relationship with her. She will bring comfort and care to the house, because of the constant employment he does not have time for this.
To make children feel good about their stepmother, they should be taught to follow these rules:
- Listen to the opinion of the father. Unless, of course, he is an authority for them. When kids are still small, it’s easy, much harder with teens. They remember well their own mother, the new woman in the house is perceived with caution. A close person should frankly explain to them, let's say, why he broke up with his mother and led his second wife. You can’t return the past, you need to live in the present and take everything properly. You do not need anger, it is only discord in the family. Let everything flow as usual, they are not obliged to love the stepmother, but they should treat her well, if only for the sake of calmness in the house. Children with a normal psyche will definitely understand this.
You should not "run into" stepmother. She came to a new family, she is also not easy. Until he gets used to the new living conditions. Not immediately she can succeed, there may be oversights. Suppose not cooked on time for lunch. No need to reproach her and expose immediately lazy, perhaps something urgent distracted. It is better to pretend that nothing special happened, and having fun with a smile, they say, “we will do something now, eat food in the fridge,” quickly cook dinner. Such a friendly attitude will help to establish contact, and “the most important thing is the weather in the house. ".
Need help. Children should help the stepmother, and not look at her as a servant in the house. Suppose you do not stand aside when cleaning an apartment or any other economic affairs. You shouldn’t look at her coldly, that you are a non-native me, I don’t want to help you. You can’t live by saying that “the dinner cooked by the stepmother is not tasty”. When everything is seen in a bad light, family life will not work out. It is necessary to avoid bad taste in relationships. It is unlikely that they will bring peace and tranquility to the house.
Do not gossip or snitch. You never need to complain about your stepmother that she does not do everything like this, for example, “mother used to make better patties”. She might not be a pie expert, but she would learn. Should not be a big fan for any reason. Firstly, it doesn’t paint, because it’s not for nothing that they say that “they hang a gnome in the next world”. Secondly, it will be unpleasant for the father to hear that the children speak badly about the woman he loves. Thirdly, the family, where the bones are flushed to each other and the denunciations "rivet", lives unfriendly, in constant strife.
Try calling stepmother mom. It will not be easy at first. And of course, it takes her to deserve it. But if she does not want this, you should not be offended and draw far-reaching conclusions. This is a purely psychological factor, does not mean at all that the step mother is bad. A person is judged by deeds, not by words. If it is nice and cozy with her, you need to be content with this state of affairs. There is no great love between you, but it is quite a good relationship. It is necessary to appreciate them.
How to improve relations with the stepmother - see the video:
It's nobody's fault
Everyone should understand that there are no guilty persons in the situation. Yes, the family broke up, the couple broke up, and it's sad. But it happens, and often, because people are different, and everyone has the right to make mistakes. It is important to understand that everyone deserves happiness, and if one does not manage to feel it in the old family, then perhaps in the new conditions one can achieve harmony, albeit in a different composition.
It is often the child who blames himself or his parents, and such feelings are reflected in the psychological state and emotional background, which is harmful and even dangerous. The task of the father, mother and stepmother - to make it clear that the child is not guilty of anything. And the stepson or stepdaughter must understand that she did not contribute to divorce and could not save the family, even if she tried very hard. It happened so, but everything that is being done is for the best. Optimism in this case is more than appropriate, and liberation from the feeling of guilt is a step towards a new life.
Deep situation analysis
How can you improve the relationship with the stepmother? First of all, to analyze the situation, and everyone should do it. Let's start with the father, because he is the only person who knows both sides well, that is, the other half, and the child. Taking into account the views, principles and characters of both family members, a man will be able to predict the causes of possible conflicts, test the ground, evaluate the features of interaction.
Evaluate changes and events must and stepmother. If she knows a man well, if she is going to start a life together with him, then everything is much more difficult with a child. You need to try to get to know him as best you can, put yourself in his place. If it seems that the child is not ready to accept a new family member and treats him wary or even with hatred, this does not mean that the stepmother really does not like it. This perception is normal, because the new woman’s father is already the enemy.
If the child is old enough, then responsibility falls on him, so he must also analyze the situation. First of all, it is necessary to understand the attitude to what is happening father. Surely the parent is experiencing and trying to accelerate the adaptation, but emotions and fears can change his behavior, greatly interfere. But he tries hard.
The most important point is the stepmother’s relationship to the stepdaughter or stepson. It is not easy for her to accept someone else's child and to be introduced into the existing and having its own rules, even if it is an incomplete family. A woman is tense, anxious, discouraged, puzzled. She gets used to new life circumstances and understands that while someone else is here. And such emotions and feelings can create a false impression of dislike for the child.
Time will put everything in its place
Time heals and puts everything in its place, so do not rush things. A certain period must pass before grievances subside, negative emotions associated with the breakup of the family (especially if it was painful) disappear. It is difficult to build relationships, and this is not just a long, but almost life-long and endless, continuous process.
Patience and only patience
Building relationships requires patience from everyone. It’s not easy for a child, because his world has changed, his parents are not together, and a new person has appeared in the house until a new one. It is important to accept this and accept the circumstances. Even if there is a protest, not everything in life depends on us.
It is difficult for dad, because he loves his woman and children, so he wishes everyone good and worries about conflicts. There is no need to show emotions unnecessarily, it is better to adhere to neutrality in disputes and, of course, to endure: soon everything should get better.
The stepmother herself is not in the best position, she may feel unnecessary and alien. You should not expect quick acceptance and trust from a child, all this needs to be earned. But if you rush things and try to please everyone, it will, on the contrary, alienate or alarm others.
More optimism and less stress
All must remain themselves, try not to strain and feel relaxed and at ease. Yes, it is not easy, but if everyone tries to seem to be who they are not, it will create grounds for lies and falsehoods, and on such principles a new family cannot be built. An optimistic view of events and situations will help to see the advantages in everything and to understand that change is only for the better!
Sometimes a confidential conversation puts everything in its place. You can sit at the table and give everyone the opportunity to speak, talk about their experiences and feelings, release emotions. Such a conversation will allow everyone to better understand each other, explain actions and mistakes, and begin the path to correction. And when all the important points are marked, you can come to a compromise and think about the future life, perhaps, make promises or consider different behaviors and relationship building.
What can affect relationships?
Various factors influence the relationship between a woman and her spouse’s children:
- Parting mom and dad. Firstly, it is worth considering how long it happened: the more time has passed, the calmer the child is, so it will be easier for him to accept a new woman. If the parents separated recently, then the new love of the father may be perceived as a betrayal of the mother. Secondly, the reasons for separation are taken into account. If the mother, unfortunately, has died, it is a huge blow for the child, and he is unlikely to want to soon get closer to the new man, the more claiming to be the new parent. In the case of a decision about a divorce made by one of the spouses, the child will blame him, feel guilty, perhaps hate the initiator of separation. If the spouses split up together, this somewhat simplifies the situation: no one has a strong feeling of guilt, everyone is calm and does not experience negative emotions.
- Relationship between parents. If they are preserved and friendly, their own mother probably often appears in the house and keeps in touch. On the one hand, this is good: the child does not feel abandoned and unnecessary by her mother. On the other hand, the biological mother can be jealous of her ex-husband, stop him from building his own personal life, and turn children against his beloved husband.
- The age of the child. A transitional age throws up problems: a teenager can inadequately assess the situation and react to it, too emotionally accept everything that happens, blame everyone around and the whole world. Everyone will have to be patient. A small child quickly gets used to people, but it is harder to tolerate the absence of the closest person - mother.
- Age stepmother. For example, the young wife will not be easy to get into the role of mother for the children of her husband, especially if they do not have their own. Excessive emotionality, lack of experience, maximalism can interfere. The older the stepmother, the more experienced and wiser she is, therefore, she will be able to smooth corners. But there is a downside: if a woman has lived alone for a long time and has her own child, then introducing a new family and building relationships with other people's children can become more complicated due to the division of life before and after, and the people on their own and not on their own.
- Gender child. Psychologists believe that girls react more acutely and painfully to the separation of their parents, and their absence in their mother’s life is much harder. In addition, the stepdaughter will perceive the stepmother as a rival and be jealous of the father, because he will inevitably begin to pay attention to another woman. Мальчику привыкнуть к новому члену семьи гораздо проще, особенно если сохраняются доверительные и дружеские отношения с отцом.
Пусть данные в статье советы помогут наладить отношения между мачехой и ребёнком и построить новую крепкую и дружную семью!
1. Признайте различия, вместо их избегания
Смешивание семьи – это трудный этап, спросите любого, кто вступал в повторный брак с детьми. There are many problems, even if in a relationship a ton of love and compatibility between partners. Everyone has their own experience behind them and an idea of family culture. Therefore, to assemble a new cell from two collapsed ones is not an easy path.
A great deal of effort and patience will help create a happy family. No one can prepare you and point out how to create mixed families. Trying to ensure that foster children meet only your parental norms is not a very good solution. After all, they already had a family with its charter. Therefore, it would be right to create new family norms that would suit everyone.
2. Understand that all participants feel deep consequences of a divorce.
Divorce has a huge impact on children and parents, sometimes as a result of years of conflict and drama. Often, both parents feel guilty for not being able to save the relationship and these complex feelings are unconsciously passed on to children.
Separate custody exacerbates the situation. Often, a parent who spends less time with a child tries to compensate for his absence in other ways, for example, indulging him financially or emotionally. The other parent may have a claim after the child has been in the second house. Children move between adults and this undoubtedly disorients them. It is difficult to maintain patience in such situations, but it is very important in such cases.
3. Always remember that you are not the primary parent.
Trying to be a good and understanding stepfather or stepmother and at the same time not to try, to become another parent is an excellent balance. The fluctuation of this equilibrium can lead to tension and conflict.
And what to do when you see that the parents of the child act as you do not approve and would do otherwise? Expressing these feelings to your partner is, of course, important, but only when your relationship is strong enough. Remember that your judgments on such a delicate matter can sometimes lead to conflicts in the relationship.
4. Do not be an enemy
Another dilemma that arises is that your partner has to constantly interact with the former spouse. You must clearly realize that that other person is the parent of your chosen one's child. For you there is no competition.
Look at the ex-spouse of your beloved as a partner in raising children. Such an approach can change your perception. Try to neutralize any negativity that can accumulate and spill over into the family. Subsequently, your partner will be grateful, because he also feels the tension between you, the children and the ex-spouse.
5. Calm your critical voice.
The inner voice wakes up and easily criticizes the stepchildren because, in your opinion, they do many things differently. But criticism will not help, and most likely, will only lead to discord.
When you feel an impulse to point out everything that others are doing wrong, remember that there are no perfect people. Your actions and words can also be discussed. If you think that everything has to be done in a certain way, then this does not at all mean that it is that way. Remember this when you want to criticize.
6. Keep in mind that stepchildren did not choose you.
It's hard to digest, but it's true. Just because your partner loves you and wants to build relationships with you, does not mean that their children want to see you in their lives. It’s impossible to make them accept you and love you. Consider the children on the other hand, and make room for an understanding of their humanity.
There are unnatural feelings when you become a stepfather or stepmother. At the very beginning it is difficult to understand what is right and what is not in this topic. But if you look at children without criticism and negativity and release your expectations in your relationship, then everything will be calmer. Becoming a stepfather or stepmother is a process of adoption. Remember this and be happy!
Interaction with the stepfather: show resilience
Becoming a member of a family where there is already a child, a woman should be prepared for the fact that he is unlikely to be able to instantly accept her. It takes time for a baby to get used to a new person and learn how to get along with it. It is also important to understand that he can be morally crushed by the separation of the parents and the changes that occur in the usual way. At first, the child will be full of mistrust towards you, because you are a stranger to him who claims to be the mistress of the house. Show sympathy and do not push too hard. Let the child get used to the other order and make sure that you are not the enemy, but just love his father, want to make him happy and are not going to destroy their relationship. Be patient and try to understand everyone in this difficult situation.
Carry to the child that you do not pretend to be a mother
From the very beginning, a sensible stepmother will hint to her stepdaughter or stepson that she is not going to change the family “charter” and does not want to take the place of her own mother. The images of parents are essential for the full development of the personality of each person, and therefore no one can completely replace them. If the parent has died, her image is usually idealized by the child. And if a mother simply does not live with a child for certain reasons, then the rules she once established can be anxiously guarded by a baby, since she lacks her care and participation in family life.
If you want to build a good relationship with a non-native child, then you need to let him know that you have a completely different role in the family. You are the beloved woman of his father, who is ready to become a reliable friend and faithful mentor, but no more. Of course, the stepmother can perform many more functions, but this should be done gradually and carefully.
Arrange family tips
Every child should be able to speak out, pour out the soul in the circle of their loved ones. Children still do not know how to properly express their feelings and emotions. Faced with an internal or external problem, the baby may begin to behave stably badly, or close in and hold negative emotions in itself until they reach the boiling point and break out all together. This can lead to serious conflicts. In order to prevent this from happening, as often as possible, gather with your whole family at a “round table” and hold frank conversations. Themes can be very different. If it is necessary to solve an important issue, it is best to use the voting method. Nobody will protest against fair decisions, and relations will not deteriorate.
Do not be jealous of her husband for his child!
Just imagine: every Sunday the child and father ate ice cream in the park, and after the appearance of the stepmother, these walks stopped. The answer is most likely to be whims, disobedience, and even outright anger. The crumbs do not have a mother nearby, so the “alien aunt” is also trying to pick up the father.
Do not dramatically alter the way of life of the family and “pull the blanket over yourself,” persuading your man to pay you as much attention as possible. Do not pretend to the time intended for children - it is selfish and unreasonable. Do not compete with the child for the favor of his father, do not intervene in their relationship. In the end, you are an adult woman, and parental love can not be comparable to romantic.
Mother vs stepmother: do not give in to provocations
Sometimes the child begins for no reason to compare the beloved woman of his father with his mother. It might look something like this: “My mother did differently!” Or “My mother cooks better.”. Hearing this, the stepmother can seriously be offended by a silly person. And very vain! Not the fact that the peanut wanted to hurt her with his own words. Perhaps the baby, accustomed to a certain order of things, is hovering in his memories, involuntarily comparing aloud the past and the present. Children are very direct and they do not always think that those around them can take on their own account. Of course, in any case, it is difficult to endure, but still try to understand the condition of the crumbs. He feels lonely, not sure about the future, afraid of change. He needs to get used to the new family lifestyle.
Take time to talk to your baby. Unobtrusively involve the child in a friendly conversation and try to find out how his mother managed the household, what laws she established in the house. Ask about her as a very interesting person to you. Perhaps the child will only be happy to once again recall the dearest thing that happened in his life - happy minutes of communication with his mother. If you do not take it all in hostility, and show sincere curiosity, then you will have more chances to improve the situation in the family.
Strengthen relationships with your child through a common hobby
Nothing unites completely different people like joint hobbies. Football, chess, video games, skating, badminton, swimming, dancing, embroidery - there can be plenty of options! The more points of contact you have with your spouse, the easier it will be for you to build good, trusting relationships with him. Even sharing your favorite TV shows is able to bring together great. Do not miss the chance to find a common language with the baby! So the stepmother of the evil character will turn into good, and love will win!
Give your child a place in the house
Some unreasonable women rush into the world of children, overturning everything in their path. And the children's room is especially often subjected to such invasions. It would be a huge mistake to enter the child’s room without knocking him, forcing him to clean things up on this territory at the command and scold him for scattered toys. Chad should have its own personal space, where only its laws are valid. It would be more reasonable to divide the house into zones and adhere to the principle “your room is your space”. Agree with the child that he can do whatever he wants in his bedroom, but must clean it at least once a week and go to bed on time. The rest of the house is a common area, where the laws apply to all family members. If desired, the issue of cleanliness can take care of dad. The word of the father is law and inviolable truth.
If the baby does not live with you and comes to visit occasionally, still allocate a separate place for him. Let him have his own bed, shelf for things or a wardrobe. This is really important for the child, because it gives him the opportunity to experience stability, which as it says: "Do not worry, there is always a place for you!".
Don't make stepbrothers live together
This gesture will certainly be perceived by children negatively and will cause them strong internal discomfort. At least at the beginning of marriage, let each child spend the night in a separate room. You will see that, over time, the children will get used to each other, will unite into a coalition and move into a separate, “children's” room.