The last time we talked about home tyrants, I promised to tell you, what to do if the husband is a tyrant. In principle, the answer is obvious - divorce. But everything is not so simple, otherwise there would not be so many women who continue to suffer from their husbands - tyrants for years. And the problem often lies in the victims themselves (which does not remove the guilt from the tyrant). Therefore, to solve the question: "how to get rid of the tyrant's husband?" Should not begin with a divorce. Of course, for a complete and detailed description and solution of this problem, you will have to write a whole book, but in general terms, there are 5 steps. These steps are relevant for cases where there is no danger to life and health, that is, the husband does not give up. If there is a threat - then, of course, it is worth fleeing, and working on errors is already done in absentia.
1. Introspection: Why do I need a husband - a tyrant?
Since changing another person is not in our power, then the only area of our efforts is ourselves. Therefore it is necessary to do work on oneself, namely, on self-analysis. Ask yourself: Why do I need a tyrant husband and what bonuses do I get from this? We'll have to honestly admit to ourselves in flight from responsibility, in parasitic installations and in the pleasure of suffering. Yes, suffering is a pleasure - it is very pleasant to feel sorry for yourself, and most importantly, they justify a lot - the sufferer forgives almost everything, at least he forgives himself. This is also a form of irresponsibility.
The book by Robin Norwood “Women Who Love Too Much” can help to understand the reasons and their hidden “winnings” from talking to a tyrant husband. In the same book there are good recommendations on what to do with these discoveries, and how to get out of the usual game with a tyrant - after all, not only he plays, but you too.
2. Take responsibility for your life
Yes, you need to take responsibility for your life and your relationship. Not in the sense that "the husband became a tyrant because you are not an ideal wife," but you yourself chose a tyrant and live with him because you want it, and it brings you certain bonuses. Here you have to make a choice: either self-respect and normal relations + responsibility, or irresponsibility bonuses “behind a stone wall” with a “strong shoulder” + humiliation and suffering from a tyrant.
Either you want to be a person and live a full, healthy life free from the painful addictions of a person - or you choose a disease with its “weak woman” games. In principle, it is also an option - but then do not complain, but “relax and have fun,” as in that rape joke. Some, by the way, succeed - they imagine themselves as “goddesses”, admire their femininity, wisdom and perfection and daily instill in themselves that submission and fear are real happiness and high destiny, and to compensate for tyranny of children.
A very stable system, except for the fact that it is entirely self-deception. The husband-tyrant considers this goddess as a stupid chicken (which she reports to at times of “revelations”) and simply uses her services as a servant, and at times “punishes” her for negligence or simply disrupts her failures at work. She doesn’t have any personal growth - all the efforts of the soul are aimed at keeping herself euphoric and avoiding to face the truth. Children grow up deeply injured - especially boys. So what? But she found "female happiness"!
3. “Change the head”
If you still choose the option of health, you will have to seriously change your world view. Ideas about the world, life, relationships, and their roles in them in our head add up to a coherent picture - and it is precisely this picture that the tyrant logically fit into. In order to get rid of not only him, but also the danger of meeting the same in the future, you need to change your picture of the world - mainly your attitude to yourself, to others, to men, to work. In some cases it is necessary to revise some religious settings.
In principle, you can "change the head" yourself. Reading of psychological literature will help: the books of the German psychoanalyst Karen Horney, our compatriot Mikhail Litvak, the founder of the CROSS club (he has not only books, but also recordings of seminars, and live seminars can be visited). It is also worth getting acquainted with the “games” of E. Bern, and of course, the humanistic psychology of E. Fromm - he devoted many years to the study of an authoritarian character, and this is our misfortune. A list of 7 useful books on the psychology of relationships and personality, with a brief description, is in the article on books for development. With enthusiasm for esotericism, if you had it, you will have to say goodbye - this worldview is essentially incompatible with responsibility.
Self-therapy is difficult and you can turn to a specialist, but in this case you will have to work on yourself yourself - the psychoanalyst will only lead the process and help you not to go astray. The cure will take a lot of time - this tricky disease will lure into its networks ... But it's worth it - as a result you will become the mistress of your life, get rid of anxiety and gain a lot of spiritual forces that were spent on suppressing unconscious conflicts. You just "grow wings"!
Gaining self-esteem and increasing self-esteem is a top priority. After all, women who have a low opinion of themselves are associated with tyrants. Love yourself, and not only in the form of walking to beauty salons, - it is much better to take care of your development. It can be study, work with professional growth, even a hobby. Some tangible results of your actions and respect for other people provide a good basis for self-esteem. The work, moreover, will help prepare the "waste routes", get out of material dependence on the tyrant, which is important.
4. We change relations with the husband - the tyrant
The task here is to quit the game, stop playing it. That is, you do not need to fight for freedom and independence, swing rights and take offense - in all these cases you continue to be a victim. Try to “unhook” internally from him - to expect nothing from him and not to react to provocations. Imagine how you would react if that was the behavior of a stranger to whom you owed nothing? So, your husband, a tyrant, too, you do not have to. Yes, there is some mutual responsibility in the relationship, but his manipulation of your sense of guilt is not a relationship, but a game. This person is not capable of personal relations.
In response to his aggressive attacks, there is no need to justify or defend - the tyrant only gets it. You can practice applying psychological aikido techniques. This will allow you to miss the psychological blows, while maintaining self-esteem. Formally, the tyrant will not find fault with anything, but there is one danger. When you leave the game, you deprive him of the “nourishment” necessary for life - and he will become very ill. In a state of "breaking" he will begin to rage and is capable of very ugly actions. At best, she will find a “savior,” that is, a mistress, or will run around friends.
Most likely, your relationship will end there. When a stable connection “tyrant-victim” breaks up, it often turns out that, apart from the painful play of people, nothing connected them. And if one has recovered and stopped the game, then the other will not necessarily want to recover, either - he will probably go looking for another victim ...
If your husband was a tyrant, then give up the hope that he can be reformed. To appease a tyrant so that everything was “good and peaceful” will not succeed - he does not need your services and does not need everything to be good. His insatiable need yearns for constant confirmation of power and domination - and he will plague you with nagging, humiliation, insults. Only the suffering and humiliation of the victim give him satisfaction. Therefore, it will not be easy for you not to suffer and preserve dignity - for him it will be like a sharp knife, and he will take any measures to "knock you out of the saddle," up to the use of force.
Do not take him to heart and do not be afraid to be alone, agreeing in your heart with the fact that he inspired you for so long: “Who do you need me like this?” First of all, you should be needed by yourself. And if you really need this main person in your life, then you will definitely not fall into the trap of a tyrant and will be able to build normal relations with a worthy person - if you want, not because you depend on unhealthy relationships.
If you live with a tyrant “for the sake of children”, then think what example do these children see? The boy will grow up to be a copy of his father, and the girl will choose the same tyrant as his husband ... Is the game worth the candle? Of course, a child needs a father, but what is it for? - in order to have in front of the eyes a male example, an example of normal family relations and to enjoy the attention and love of two parents. In the case of a tyrant father, the child does not have any of the above, and his psyche only cripples.
Try to make these 5 steps, and your problem with the husband - the tyrant will be solved or will come nearer to the decision. Talking about tyrants is not over, subscribe to receive the following article by mail. If you have any questions or comments about the read, you are welcome in the comments.
"I do not like your friends and family"
The desire for power and total control is one of the signs of a person who is prone to violence (it doesn't matter if it is psychological or physical). Therefore, as relations develop, you suddenly find yourself isolated from the usual circle of communication and even family.
Sauces under which this type of manipulation is served may be different. Your man can play on feelings of guilt, telling how he misses when you are not around. Or, in a rude and sarcastic form, express your negative opinion about your sister, girlfriend, insisting on reducing or stopping communication with them altogether. Or tormenting you with calls, messages and suspicions of treason. Each meeting with friends or a trip to the family becomes a test of strength and the subject of heated discussions or the cause of his bad mood. Another characteristic sign of the beginning tyranny is the requirement of a partner to coordinate with him all his plans, while he himself calmly contacts with his close environment at convenient times and places.
The unconscious goal is the same - to deprive you of the usual support, human resource, and close your world and life on yourself, so that at any moment you can receive your portion of attention and establish yourself in control over the situation.
Flexible value system
Partnerships, in addition to the joy of intimacy and love, include a decent set of mutual obligations. We, as a rule, choose a person in a couple with whom we share some values and ideas about living together. However, in the topic of psychological violence that interests us, the following happens. Those values and rules of living together that were shared turn into rigid obligations for one side and become very flexible for the other. So, suddenly it turns out that, speaking of the inadmissibility of adultery, your man meant you, not himself. And one evening it turns out that he can come tired from work and be sad on the sofa, and you must always be in good shape and radiate vigor and fun. Gradually, such relations turn into a kind of one-sided game: in one half of the burden of obligations, everything grows, while in the other it loses its contours and dissolves in the air. Whatever you do, it turns out to be a little and ends with new demands and constant discontent. At the same time, your own needs seem to cease to exist.
Down with self-realization
As someone wise said, life is a series of different events. Some of them bring joy, others - on the contrary. It is important for each person to fill his life with resources that help to relax the soul and become more resistant to the challenges of life. Someone likes to embroider with ribbons, and someone once a month needs to visit a piano concerto or meet with an old friend. All these resources ultimately make us more whole, strong and free. Such a partner is not at all interesting to the manipulator, therefore he will try with all his might to “de-energize” you. So, favorite hobbies, no less than close people dividing them, gradually are moved aside, and in due course disappear from your life. And with them you gradually lose yourself and that which fills your internal battery with energy.
"Pity me, I am the most miserable"
A tyrant is a person who will never find satisfaction. For some reason, he carries in his inner world a huge emptiness or pain, which he tries to compensate with total control over those to whom he is dear. Therefore, another characteristic feature of such people is constant complaints and discontent. That things are somehow wrong, he will always find the culprit. And it does not depend on the scale of the “problem”: whether the tap dripped at home, whether unemployment in the country. In speech, the statements of the manipulator often show disappointment, sadness about the opportunities (of course, not due to his own mistake) and the deepest longing. They love to complain and talk about their problems. They hardly find at least one person to whom they sincerely thank and joyfully tell about all the shortcomings of their former partners in life or business. Unfortunately, in many women there is a stereotype that frogs can really be extracted from their swamps and converted into princes. However, statistics is relentless - and people save themselves, as a rule, of their own accord and with great efforts.
And this is a sign that signals to you that in the relationship you have ceased to draw strength. Although this is to become stronger and happier together, this is another goal of the partnership, dating back to ancient times. Modern rhythm of life and inability to cope with stress often lead to the appearance of apathy and ordinary physical, emotional fatigue. But intuitively, each of us knows that relationship fatigue is a completely different phenomenon. In a relationship that slowly poisons you from the inside, sooner or later the manipulator’s goal is achieved. You are de-energized and exhausted, you no longer feel your own importance and trust yourself, your whole life is somehow built around trying to satisfy the needs of another person. And you are no longer sure that you want anything at all and even have the right to want, including physical intimacy with your man. At this stage, many are trying with great effort to break out of the established pattern, but often these attempts end in another “last chance” and the “victim-tyrant” relationship just goes on a new round.
I do not urge to organize riots and destroy families, to rush into all serious things. But if you are unhappy in love - then this is a reason to think and, perhaps, to find the strength to get rid of the destructive relationship. True partnership is based on love and involves all the same mutual exchanges and compromises that do not destroy the integrity of a man or a woman. If two adults love and respect each other, they will always find a way to negotiate and solve the difficulties that arise. After all, they are united by common aspirations to make their lives and relationships a little better, and not to elevate themselves by making less of those who are near.
Marina Kabirova - a female psychologist, a personal growth trainer, an assistant to restore order in life.
Where do tyrants come from?
How did it happen that a once caring and gentle man turned into a natural, homely despot? When you draw a picture of a real tyrant in your head, a strong man with a steel character and an iron will, who does not tolerate any objections, appears in the imagination. Surprisingly, in real life, this is extremely rare.
Basically, male tyrants are weak, notoriously complex and extremely cowardly people who, by virtue of the enormous number of their own complexes and inferiority, try to assert themselves at the expense of the “weaker”, that is, wives and children.
It often turns out that future tyrants in their childhood were greatly offended by the older children, humiliated by their parents or even their peers. Future tyranny can take its roots in a man’s parental family; perhaps he was constantly seeing a similar pattern of behavior on the part of his father or stepfather. Children's psychological trauma can easily play a cruel joke: now an adult man fully strengthens his power and influence on a woman.
He tries by all means to control and suppress those people who have fallen under his influence, and also always insist on his own, even if he knows from the very beginning that he was wrong. Agreeing with the opinions of others is now akin to losing power.
How to recognize?
Всегда можно не допускать до крайностей, для этого стараться распознать ранние проявления тирании в своем муже. Возможно, стоит задуматься, если ваш муж:
- Постоянно делает достаточно острые замечания относительно вашей внешности, готовки, домашнего быта и воспитания детей. При этом все выражается в форме упреков и принуждений, которые негативно сказываются на вашей самооценке.
- Запрещает работать, при этом, вначале отношений вуалирует это под фразами «моя женщина не должна работать, я и сам в состоянии обеспечить свою семью». It gives multiple offspring, thereby strengthening your financial dependence on its capabilities.
- Prohibits the use of decorative cosmetics or wear bright things on the street.
- Constantly imposes his opinion, hiding behind the phrase "it would be better for you," and it does not matter that it will not be better.
- Strongly restricts communication with relatives, friends and, even more so, the opposite sex.
- Applies physical force against you or children, and at the same time, as a pretext there can be any trifle - a wrong dinner, a not-ironed shirt, or a phrase you said at the wrong time.
What to do?
The first correct answer, which begs without hesitation - to run! To file for divorce, change housing, if necessary, in general, to do everything to never see this person in his life again. But, unfortunately, in reality it is not always so straightforward. How to get a divorce if we have two (three, five) children? What will I do, because I can not do anything and have no education? Unfortunately, situations are different, how to help yourself?
- Turn to a psychologist, it is better with her husband. Perhaps the therapy sessions will be able to direct you on the true path, or perhaps they will convince you that you cannot live like this anymore, and you will be able to safely end this problem.
- Do not try to obey in everything, thinking that, by doing so, you will get mercy from your husband. Explain calmly and confidently that you are not his thing, but a person who has the right to decide for himself. Sometimes a calm but confident conversation is enough for a man to reconsider his views on life.
- It may be worth asking for help from good friends or male relatives who would be able to talk to him like a man. If you do not believe in a good outcome of such an event, you may need to contact the law enforcement agencies, remove the beatings, if any, and go to the end of your decision.
- Grow externally and internally, watch yourself and grow intellectually. Firstly, it will never be superfluous, and, secondly, you will gain greater confidence in yourself and your abilities.
- Look at the situation directly in the eyes: it is unlikely that such a person can change, in this case, is it necessary to endure the humiliation of his whole life? Think of the children for whom such a life can greatly affect the development and development of the personality, but you do not want to raise new tyrants? If you see that nothing helps, then take courage and break the relationship with this person once and for all, appreciate your life, because you have one.
Aggressive husband tyrant: signs
It is not always possible to see the future aggressive husband of a tyrant in a happy groom. Nevertheless, there is such a masculine type who completely dictate their will to their wife and family, without accepting any objections from them.
How to protect yourself from a man who considers a woman only his own application and at the slightest sign of resistance uses hands? Alas, this is true - a person who recently swore to you in eternal love, today can regularly reward you with cuffs, or even beat you up.
It must be said that all signs of a future aggressive husband - a tyrant can be recognized before the wedding. Just blinded by love, the woman does not want to see them.
And you must be alerted if a man has poorly developed intellect, while he abuses alcohol and drugs. Alcohol and drug intoxication contributes to the development of aggression.
Aggression in general is a very alarming sign. For example, if you see that your elect, at the slightest provocation, or even without him, climbs into a fight with others, then be sure that the same behavioral stereotype will be brought into family life.
In a separate risk group are those men who visited one of the hot spots. Alas, with all their heroism, the psyche of such people is seriously disturbed, because the human mind simply cannot endure what they had to go through without loss.
If your lover grew up in a difficult family environment and was influenced by an authoritarian father, be sure that tyranny awaits you. And finally, pay attention to how a man talks about others or his ex-wife. If he endlessly criticizes them and believes that everyone should obey him, you too will soon fall into the hands of an aggressive husband - a tyrant.
If the husband is a tyrant: what to do?
· This is a rather ambiguous question and even psychologists disagree. One thing is for sure: if you failed to recognize in your future husband a tendency to aggression and violence and entered into marriage with him, each such case must be considered individually.
· How aggression manifests itself, the result of which it becomes, what its causes are - all of this matters. So, for example, if your husband - a tyrant is drunk and rushes at you with his fists, this is one thing, and if before that you have been tormenting him for a long time with your nagging and insults and he could not resist - this is quite another.
Of course, no one, in any case, justifies a man who raised his hand to his wife or another woman, but agree that the approach to solving problems should be different. If assault occurs regularly, one thing can be said - you need to run away from such a man. Hoping that he will stop is useless.
· If it was a single one-time event, try discussing the problem together, identifying its causes and, perhaps, somehow reconsider your own behavior too.
A tyrant husband keeps all his household in constant tension. A cruel reprisal for an inadequate cooked dinner or an insufficiently well-ironed shirt awaits his wife. The child is afraid to go home if he received an unsatisfactory grade in school. The husband dictates to his wife what kind of friends she should choose and what to wear. The state of constant stress becomes unbearable.
How to cope with a tyrant husband at home?
· Of course, the right decision would be to get a divorce, but, unfortunately, not everyone has enough determination and spiritual strength for it. Open resistance is the lot of strong natures, but sometimes this opposition ends even tragically. In order to curb the domestic tyrant woman must be both an actress and a diplomat. And also have the sapper's intuition.
· Hide all your emotions. Such a man should not be criticized or pointed to any flaws. If he feels guilty, his tyranny will become even bigger.
· If he starts finding fault with you, do not try to make your own demands. Domestic despot does not tolerate opposition or struggle. If you need something, try asking him for a favor in a soft, unstable tone.
· It must be said, however, that in some cases, having received a decisive rebuff, an aggressive tyrant husband can back down. The fact is that such traits developed in him because in childhood he suffered from his cruel parents or was weaker among his peers, with all the ensuing consequences.
Therefore, he recoups his childhood fears and complexes for the weaker and more submissive. However, in order to resolutely resist a tyrant's husband, she needs remarkable will and strength of character, and sometimes physical strength.
· If you are ready to oppose him with the strength of your spirit, you should immediately declare that you will not tolerate such treatment with yourself. If he tries to humiliate you again, threaten him with a divorce. After such a statement, many despots try to take it in their hands, knowing that they have passed certain limits. Many, but, alas, not all. And if a woman continues to endure such a mockery of herself, then you can only regret it.
How to protect yourself from an aggressive ex-husband
Often, after an unsuccessful marriage, the spouses part, alas, not friends. Even common children and years spent together will not make them stop being angry with each other. But how to find a calm life for the woman to whom the former husband blamed the collapse of their relationship?
Marriage is built by two people. And if he does not succeed, then mentally you can blame anyone, although this situation is common. Sometimes it is complicated by the fact that the former husband behaves aggressively or tries to deprive the spouse of communication with children or takes away all the property acquired together.
In any case, try not to unleash your emotions and calmly defend what you are entitled to by law.
You need to find a competent lawyer. No matter what your spouse says, you have equal rights with him, including on children and on property. A lawyer will help you to settle all the legal formalities, and in the meantime you will help yourself psychologically.
Do not let yourself be intimidated. Sometimes abandoned spouses are quite aggressive. If you openly receive threats, do not allow you to lead a normal life, or are terrorized by calls, then you need to firmly explain to the aggressive ex-husband that you do not intend to communicate with him in this mode and demand to leave you alone. Do not be afraid to seem impolite. In this situation we are talking about your mental equilibrium, and not about decency.
You must boldly enter a new life, leave all resentment in the past and accept the experience of divorce as a disease, but still experience. In the future, you will surely meet a person with whom you will feel happy.
Signs of a despot in a man
To distinguish a tyrant is very difficult, usually his worst features begin to appear after the wedding. Typically, girls marry a "thorough and economic, reliable and able to protect", and are in the captivity of the despot. But there are signs that will allow to suspect the worst in advance:
- Frequent and baseless criticism, which can relate to literally everything: manners to dress, speak and move, looks, abilities and achievements. At first, she is unobtrusive, a man can call a girl silly, inexperienced, or laugh at her hobbies, work. She can even disguise herself as a desire to help the “unhappy silly woman.” Gradually, the tyrant forms in the victim a sense of his own inconsistency and literally “kills” her self-esteem.
- Restriction of external contacts. A man begins to control the circle of contacts of the chosen one and decides with whom and when to communicate with her. At first, he can motivate this by saying that her friends are pulling her down, and she is better than them, etc. Gradually, the woman is left alone and is forced to communicate only with her husband, which makes her even more dependent.
At the stage of courtship, future despots seem very caring, they are surrounded by attention, make surprises, swear in love, often call and write SMS with confessions. Unfortunately, these are not signs of true affection, but a desire to control all the girl’s free time. In addition, many tyrants are pathologically jealous. They may find signs of treason on a level place, or invent them themselves, and then roll up a scandal.
How does a husband become a tyrant?
If a girl does not react in any way to the first signs of tyranny on the part of the gentleman, she gradually falls into bondage, where she will face more and more humiliations. But their intensity usually increases gradually, the victim may not feel, as he loses the will in the hands of the manipulator.
After a while, a woman usually notices that:
- It is impossible to please my husband, he literally criticizes everything - food, the situation in the house and her behavior in bed.
- He no longer asks, but demands and orders, disregarding timid attempts to disagree. At first it looks like a manifestation of a strong male character, but over time, the woman simply loses her right to vote.
- The spouse restricts material spending, movement and development, even if the woman has her money. By the way, many tyrants themselves persuade their wife to quit their job, promising to provide for their family, and then reproach her for her inability to earn and dependency.
- She herself already feels weak, worthless and unable to live without her husband.
At this stage, we can say that the tyrant has already achieved his goal - the victim’s self-assessment is broken, she is not capable of active actions and will tolerate everything.
Fear and powerlessness of the victim - the main goal of the tyrant
Further violence can continue in a psychological form or go into physical impact. A woman resigns herself to such behavior and only tries to calm him down. In this case, the husband does not feel any remorse of conscience, believing that he does not beat his wife, but punishes and educates, and does this solely for her good. Often a tyrant justifies itself by saying that "she herself brought this to this." Worst of all, usually the victims are sure that they really deserve such an attitude. But you need to remove the rose-colored glasses and accept the fact that this man is a tyrant and a despot, and this must be fought.
What can be done to protect
If you are trapped by a despot, and have already realized this, it is time to decide whether to leave or stay. Most women find it very difficult to decide on a divorce, as their self-esteem and ability to make decisions is completely overwhelmed by a cruel husband. But you need to understand that it is almost impossible to remake a tyrant. He will be unlocked to the last.
It is not easy to throw a despot - he will try to keep a woman, may become too aggressive, and then even the life of his victim will be in danger. In any case, everything must be planned and well prepared. It will be very difficult to get rid of the yoke that has been forming over the years.
How to leave?
Most psychologists recommend that wives leave home tyrants, for it is almost impossible to rehabilitate an adult man, while at the same time getting rid of the psychology of the victim.
Getting away from a tyrant is not easy. Therefore, it is better to prepare everything in advance. Run into the unknown is recommended only when a man is not limited to moral violence and uses physical force.
If nothing threatens your life and health, you can spend a little time preparing the care. But it is impossible for the husband to suspect that you want to leave him. He will try to take any steps, just to prevent this.
It is better to leave when the husband is not at home
Most tyrants limit their financial sacrifice, so you have to work hard to raise money. We'll have to find additional income, but so that he did not know about it. If you are not working, you will need to find a job. Husband can say that you do this for his sake so that he can rest more.
Start communicating with other people. Tyrants usually limit their wives' contacts, so they have no girlfriends, and relatives are not aware of their family problems. Do not be afraid to seem obsessive, find a person you can believe, tell us about your situation and ask for help. Both psychological support and material support will do.
If you are still unsure whether to leave the tyrant, talk to those who have already decided on this. Almost all women regret not having done this much earlier.
Find your home in advance. It is very good if you can move in with someone from your relatives or friends, who can, if necessary, support and protect. Plan everything so that your husband is not at home when you leave. The power of tyrants over their wives is very strong. He can easily convince you that you don’t need to go anywhere, or even use physical violence to restrain you.
Be sure to file for a divorce. It is advisable to consult a lawyer. He will tell you how to properly divide the property and get child support for children (if any). Also, he will be able to advise methods of protection against her husband in the event of a threat.
How to get rid of violence if you have to stay?
Sometimes the situation is such that a woman has to stay with a tyrant, most often because of his good financial position. In such a situation, one must be ready to fight for one’s free will and dignity.
You can not leave unpunished any manifestation of disrespect to you. If you have a timid character, you have to "grow fangs." Many tyrants are in fact cowards and assert themselves at the expense of the humiliation of a weaker woman. One has only to fight back as they immediately retreat.
You should always be ready to fight back.
In no case can not give in if the husband tries to limit your contacts, especially with relatives. He can call them unprofitable, claim that they use you or his position. But these are your close people, and you have the right to see them, no matter who they are. They will be able to help if you need to urgently leave the tyrant.
Never forget about children. They are the innocent victim of your conflict. Staying daily in a house with a dysfunctional emotional environment, it will be difficult for them to learn how to build the right relationship. Many women tolerate tyrants “for the sake of children”, not realizing that they might be better off in an incomplete and poor but happy and calm family.
Always keep on hand the telephone of a social service or charitable organizations that help women in difficult situations. Do not be afraid to ask for help, including psychological.
Always try to develop, take care of yourself and not lose self-esteem. A slaughtered and humiliated sacrifice is what a tyrant needs. In front of a beautiful and self-sufficient woman, he can pass.
How to prevent tyranny: the advice of psychologists
Если вы заметили у своего мужа характерные черты будущего домашнего деспота, нужно постараться не допустить тирании. Для этого психологи советуют:
- Всегда стараться зарабатывать себе на жизнь. Женщине, которая может себе позволить прожить без мужа, реже приходиться терпеть унижения.
- Не позволять собой манипулировать. Вы не должны чувствовать вины из-за общения с друзьями или коллегами, а ваши родственники не обязаны нравиться парню. Но он должен проявить уважение к ним.
- Immediately let your husband know that you will not allow yourself to be humiliated, and cruelty on his part will not go unpunished. His ugly actions can be made public, so that his relatives were ready to protect you if necessary, and he knew that you would not be afraid to call him to account.
- Do not hold onto memories. Many women remember how caring a husband was before, and hope that everything will return. But you need to evaluate only what you have at the moment.
- Do not be afraid to lose it. No love justifies a broken life, yours and children. If a man does not agree to respect you and perceive him as an equal partner - you should not grieve about him.
Video advice from the psychotherapist Irina Lebed
In most cases, the only way to protect yourself from a domestic tyrant is to divorce and completely break the relationship, as it is too difficult to change or rehabilitate a man. But usually the victims are so free from disobedience that they cannot offer decent resistance, and blame themselves for any problems. Therefore, it is very important when the first attempts of psychological violence to respond correctly and stop them at the very beginning. And if you failed to do this in time, gather the will “into a fist”, remember that life is one, use any help that is possible, and save yourself!
How to recognize a despot
It is difficult to recognize an abuzer at the initial stage, because they are very thin manipulators, however, their psychology should be studied in order not to be caught on the hook. To lure the victim into his network and keep it there, the man creates the illusion of interest in her happiness. For example:
- You dropped on the first date that you lacked tenderness in previous relationships, he will continuously kiss you, hug, caress and whisper in your ear pleasures.
- You told me that you grew up without a father - he will join in the compensation of his role, will ask you if you have eaten, take care when you are ill, and tell you to wear a hat. Only from time to time will you see how he will get angry at you for anything, he will yell and insult, or this behavior will be directed not at you, but at other people.
Being in love is easy to ignore, because in general he is good, maybe he has a bad day, "who does not happen to this?"
And thus, you are drawn into violence, which is simply delayed in time, each time it will manifest itself more and more. And you seem to suspect that it is becoming difficult, but you do not find the strength to leave him, because he has become a dear and dear person to you.
Congratulations, now you are already completely in the game of the manipulator and you begin to feel pleasure from the torment that is delivered to you!
From such people it is necessary to save and run, run, wherever they look! And in order not to run in vain, how to understand that a man is a tyrant in a relationship, having studied the signs of an expiser:
- In your family in the first place his needs.
- You do not even discuss your interests, hobbies, desires, there is only him.
- His outbursts of rage are harsh, unpredictable and arise from nonsense, he changes beyond recognition, yelling, calling names, can push or hit.
- In his similar behavior, he blames you, because it was you who dispelled him from himself, you “stupid”, you cannot do what he pleases.
- A man constantly insults and humiliates you, does it both in private and in the presence of relatives, friends, strangers.
- Constantly points to your shortcomings (often made-up), appearance, mental abilities, activities that you conduct.
- He does not miss the opportunity to let you know that he is perfection itself, and you are insignificant, and he does you a huge favor with what is next to you.
- It inspires you that you are not worthy of a better life, that nobody needs you, nobody else will pay attention to you because: you have a child, stretch marks, teeth, curves, etc. And he often thinks about leaving you.
- Your sex happens only when he wants it, and the way he wants it. Your desire is not taken into account, there may be physical violence, scandal, a stream of insults for refusal.
- He demands that you do not protect yourself, and then he forces you to have abortions and does not consider this procedure to be special. It can also force you to give birth to a large number of children against your will.
- He demands that you work on a par with him, or even more: he does not want to participate in family expenses, he comes up with a huge number of arguments why he cannot give you money, and he spends his money only on himself.
- His opinion is the only correct one, and he suggests to you that you cannot make a decision and constantly make mistakes.
- Devalues your achievements, and you believe in it: you can be a doctor of science and a professor, and he is a plumber, and consider him more successful and smarter than you.
- Such a person can punish you for disobeying him or “behaving badly”: deprive of money, prohibit using a car or apartment, stop talking to you for a month ...
These are only the main signs, which in reality can be more, and they can be much more sophisticated.
What if the husband is a tyrant: other signs and advice of a psychologist
Only you can make a decision about your relationship, but remember: your great love will not change it, it will not heal, it will not heal this disease. Women like the fairy tale about the Beauty and the Beast, but you are not Belle, and you will not be able to repeat her fantastic image in life. A person can be healed, but only if he himself wants it!
For this, it is worth trying (as a last chance.) The following position. Talk to your partner: is he aware of what he is doing? You can understand this if he characterizes his behavior just as you feel him. For example, you say:
- It humiliates me when you call me a fool!
He answers like this:
- Yes, I understand that this is humiliating.
And not like this: “Well, so if you are a fool ?!” or “So do not behave like a fool !!” or “You yourself are guilty and beat me out with your stupidity!” Or “Well, go buy yourself a new dress, buy everything will pass ", etc.
In the case of recognition, you can set a time limit for yourself that you are ready to give a man so that he can deal with his problem: he began to control himself, he turned to a specialist for help, he could formulate what he sees your role in this! I know that you read it fluently, therefore I single out: this is his problem, and only him!
If a partner does not recognize his destructive behavior for you, then you need to go to a psychologist immediately. The psychologist will help you to determine why you got into such a relationship - and this one definitely has a primary source (in childhood, in self-assessment, attitudes ...), and you need to understand that you can’t install it yourself, especially in social networks, through books. work out.
In this place, the abuzer victim will say: "I have so much love and strength, no one could save, and I will save." No, you will not save ... deflate. After 5, 7, 10, 15 years (the term depends on its own resource), but the result will be the same: powerlessness, humiliation, a huge amount of time wasted - all because the abuser victim confronts the whole world alone!
A woman stands in this fight against herself. After all, she feeds human feelings to the tyrant, loves and throws her strength and energy into it. As in the abyss, everything falls into it, it does not receive recoil, and over time its forces simply end! Our heroine is fighting a despot who is doing well, and personal changes are not included in his plans, and not because he does not want this, but because he can afford to behave disgustingly: he is good for himself, correct, the rest should to adapt to it. Understand that this is self-deception, you are just a captive of your fantasies.
This woman fights with society, because society secretly approves of male domination and suppression, moreover, she accuses her, claiming that she is nonsexual, unwise, unfeminine, uninspiring, and after working on this, you can change any man, but this is not so!
Women's self-esteem to society is not at hand, because men are beneficial when you do not need to reckon with her, continuing the tradition that has developed over the centuries. Just imagine how much a woman needs all this resources, an abuser simply burns out her energy, like a vampire, thereby killing her.
How to get a divorce and get away from a tyrant husband
Of course, it is best to leave the tyrant, being under the supervision of a specialist psychologist, because in this case he provides adequate support and is a support. After all, the representatives of the fair sex, who have no inner support and who were “tyrannized” in childhood, most often enter into relations with abyusers.
You can also secure yourself in the face of parents, a close friend or girlfriend, but only those people who really believe you and also consider your man a tyrant.
It is necessary to understand and adjust yourself very well that these threats in 99% of cases are only threats and “posturing”. Therefore, one should not be afraid of him, be carried out on his threats, but one should feel the inner strength in oneself. If he starts to throw phrases in the spirit of "I will take the child!", Then you need to approach this issue and reason with the mind. For example, in Russia it is very difficult for a woman to sue a child, and almost always legislation is on her side. In case of great fear, you can even contact a lawyer and get his support in advance.
You can not delay your care, because tyrants have a very strong influence on the self-esteem of women. In no case should not wait until the "eighteenth birthday of children." Of course, money should be saved up in order to immediately feel its independence, but this process cannot be stretched for several months. No need to warn him in advance so that he did not have time to do anything. It is better to take advantage of his departure for work, take pre-prepared and collected items and call a taxi. Here the principle of "leaving - leave" should operate. Consider at once any most important details and collect the necessary documents so that you do not have to return.
As a result, here, perhaps, the main conditions:
- work on fears and provide support,
- not to be afraid and to reasonably approach his intimidation,
- run away from him without delay.
However, not all women in such a position can find the strength and, most importantly, the means to turn to a good psychologist. It is good when there are close people who are able to believe and help, as well as those who can protect from physical violence. But often there are situations when such a heroine is lonely, because a man has already managed to catch her with all her friends and even relatives! What to do when protection of women from the tyrant's husband is required and where to turn in this case?
Helpline for women
We tried to collect all the available recommendations:
• A single in all regions of Russia hotline for girls affected by domestic violence: 8−800−700−06−00.
• The crisis center for women and children in Moscow. Phone: 8−499−977−17−05.
• Center for socio-legal and psychological support for the female part of the population in a difficult life situation “Hope”. Hot line - 8−499−492−46−89, 8−499−492−26−81, 8−499−492−06−48.
• Shelter House “Created to Shine”, open in Moscow for girls with children who have nowhere to go and guaranteeing anonymity, protection and care.
• Independent charity center for survivors of sexual abuse “Sisters”. Phone: 8−499−901−02−01.
• “Salvation” is the only stationary crisis center in the Moscow Region for women who have suffered from violence and find themselves in a difficult life situation. Phones: (095) 572−55−38, 572−55−39. The center also has a page in one of the major social networks.
• Krasnodar Regional Crisis Center for Women in Assistance is one of the largest in Russia.