- Mom, and I die? And when you die, can I wear your earrings? Did grandpa live long? Where is he now? - Such questions often perplex parents of 4–6-year-old children.
With thoughts of death is not easy to cope with and adults. And how to explain everything to a child? And is it worth it. Let's figure it out.
Have you ever thought where the skulls come from?
Why a child is interested in death
He is interested. The child is constantly thinking about it and looking for answers. It's good that he came to you with a question - it means he trusts.
Thoughts about the death of a child may be due to the grief that happened to someone from the family, because of the watched movie or cartoon, a fairy tale in which the character dies. Children find dead insects, play with them, ask why the bug does not fly, whether it will hurt if it is thrown on the floor.
A child tries to digest, realize, accept difficult information: death is, life is not infinite.
The child becomes interested in questions about death at the age of about 4 years. He grows, studies the world more and more deeply, begins to understand that everything has a beginning and an end, realizes that he and his relatives will not always exist either. A child tries to digest, realize, accept difficult information: death is, life is not infinite. With this information you need to learn to live on.
Why parents are afraid of talking about death
Moms and dads want to give the child the best: carefree childhood, in which there is no fear, loss and death. They want to give him a magical world, where Santa Claus brings presents, a tooth fairy changes teeth for candy, where toys come to life at night, and the hamster and beloved dog go to live on a rainbow. Or just go. In the forest, in the field, in another house, to another child.
The fantasy of parents is limitless, but it does not solve the main problem. No more favorite Sharik, the child will not see him any more, neither in a year, nor in ten years. He will not return. He no longer feels anything, does not ask for a bone, does not bark and does not whine.
Cousin grandmother did not go to visit, did not move to live in Kamchatka. She is no more. Nowhere not. Probably, in adults, when reading these lines, tears are welling up. What is there to talk about the child.
How can such words destroy the children's world of fairy tales and dreams! The time will come, will mature and he will understand everything. And now the path believes in the best.
If the mother is afraid to even think about death, it will be difficult to talk about her with the child.
The desire to take care of the comfort and peace of mind of the child hides the parental anxiety - the personal fear of death. Most likely, parents were protected by their parents, who in turn received such experience from their moms and dads.
If the mother is afraid to even think about death, it will be difficult to talk about her with the child. And carefully and delicately.
Adults most in this difficult question scares the unknown. No one knows for sure what will happen after we die. We can only dream and guess. Scientifically based theories, proven facts do not exist. From there, no one has returned.
This fear is very well illustrated by the parable about the person sentenced to death, who was given a choice. Or death or going out the door. But the door is unknown. The convict chose death. And behind the door is freedom. Only no one chose her, because the unknown is worse than death.
The child is afraid of scary concrete paintings, which he himself drew in his imagination. And about children's imagination everyone has an idea. Oh, why just do not invent!
Therefore, it is especially important for children to specifically speak out all fears, answer all the questions the child asks, soften, and replace the terrible picture with a more acceptable one for the child.
"Silence is gold". How applicable is this expression to the theme of death?
A six-year-old child was taken to a sick, but still alive grandmother. After her death, they invented a beautiful story about the relocation of a grandmother, far, into a beautiful house. They send greetings from her weekly and sincerely believe that they have done everything for the good of the child.
And everything would be fine, only the child had convulsions, obsessive repetitive actions, and indeed, it became some kind of nervous. The mother of a six-year-old boy was surprised to learn that with a child you need to talk about death. As it turned out, she herself is very afraid of this topic, and always tries to talk about something else, hide, run away. And this is not the only such case known to me.
The child sees that the mother is crying, understands that something bad has happened, but does not know what exactly. He is told that everything is good, that nothing happened. But for some reason everyone is sad. So close people are deceiving him. It seems that he is forbidden to talk about his feelings, to live them. And you have to cope with the child himself.
Any lie, false, secrets baby catch "with a bang." The alarm level will increase. There will be fears, obsessive actions, nightmares.
There are few ways to handle the child’s supply. These are mainly psychosomatics - body reactions. Cramps, blinking of the eyes, picking in the hair, the desire to bite the nails - the most common ways for a child to cope with difficult feelings.
Subconsciously, the child knows the truth. Any lie, false, secrets baby catch "with a bang." The alarm level will increase. There will be fears, obsessive actions, nightmares. Natural fears for children — darkness, being alone, letting go of mother — also speak of the child’s fear of death.
The unnamed emotion is the worst thing. The kid is afraid of something, feels something, but does not know what it is. He does not know that it is normal, that everyone has it, that he can cope with it. When parents voice, call it fears - it becomes calmer.
I remember my feelings when, at the age of 15, from a conversation with my parents I learned about my grandmother’s serious illness. Of course, no one was in a hurry to talk about it with me, it wasn’t before. These were the worst two weeks. I could not share with anyone the horror that was happening in my soul. You can not talk, cry or ask questions. It seems that one can only be silent. Relief came when a terrible conversation did take place. Now I was not alone, now I could speak and feel, and not keep everything within myself.
“Mom was also so scared. But she did it, and I can do it. ” Feelings are called, open. You can talk about them, you can live and feel them. It's like a heavy bag, which you can finally carry with someone else. Not so hard, not so scary.
How to talk to a child about death
First you need to cope with your fear. The feelings of the parents are instantly read by the unconscious child. Therefore, a calm, even emotional background is the key to a successful conversation.
Yes, the conversation is not easy. Therefore, it is important to provide support to the child. It is better to put him on his knees, hug, make it clear that you are near him, that together you can cope with any pain.
The child should receive the answer for each question.
- Does the bird hurt when I push it with a stick?
- No, she is dead, she no longer feels anything.
- When will the Ball return home?
- He will not return. He died. When they die, do not return.
“Why doesn't grandpa come to visit again?”
- He died, he will not come again.
Honesty and openness are needed more than ever in this conversation. Any lie and falsehood will cause the child even more anxiety. It is important to tell the child that the one who died will no longer return, that death is forever.
A child will surely ask if he will die, whether his mother, father, grandmother, brother or sister will die. We clearly and confidently say: “Yes. Everyone is dying. But before that, we all grow, learn, work, have our own families, we have our own children. We live a long and interesting life. And then we become old and die. "
It is important to tell the child that the one who died will no longer return, that death is forever.
So we show the child that life has an end. But this end will be very soon. Ahead is a lifetime filled with interesting events.
Paradoxically, but after open conversations about death, accepting the finiteness of life, the child’s anxiety subsides. He accepts information, learns to value life.
Why do people die? The next question loved by children is “what are people dying from?”. We also honestly answer: “From old age, from a serious illness, from accidents. Diseases from which people die are rare. Mostly people recover and continue to live until old age. Accidents, too, are rare. Sometimes people die in a car in an accident. But more often they return home safely. ”
At the same time, we show the child the possible options under which death can occur, and we remove the alarm, divide it into “often” and “rarely”. Honestly, but safe for a child.
What happens to a person after death, what he feels. Often children are interested in how a person feels after he dies. Is it cold to him underground? The answer is no. His body is already inanimate, it can not feel anything.
But about what happens to a person, with his soul, there are different opinions - and it is better to acquaint the child with everyone.
It is important to honestly share with the child that no one knows exactly what awaits him after death, but there are different versions. Here you can tell a few options, let him choose, what to believe him. Just do not need too frightening pictures about hell.
The best option is to share the memories of people who have experienced clinical death. Usually they are positive.
It is important to honestly share with the child that no one knows exactly what awaits him after death, but there are different versions.
If the family is religious, there surely is a ready answer that can be shared with the child. But do not overdo it. An overly attractive picture of the “afterlife” may disappoint a child in earthly life. Therefore, keep the balance.
“People who managed to look into the other world for a minute, say that it’s very nice, beautiful and calm there. There are birds singing, murmuring streams, the sun shines brightly. But on earth we can grow and develop, grow, learn, feel sadness and joy, pain and pleasure. We can get older, learn all the best that is in every age. ”
How to tell about the death of a close relative
We are also honest. “Grandma is dead. She was very old and was ill for a long time. I do not know where she is now. She is not in our world, we will not see her anymore. Perhaps she is in a heavenly country where she feels good and calm. ”
No need to hide your feelings. If you want to cry - then you need to do it. Explain to the child that you really miss your grandmother and are sad that she is no more. When sad - we cry. Death is a great loss. It is very hard to live without a dear person.
With us forever will remain the memory of the grandmother - photos, videos, memorabilia, it is important to protect and store them. Her descendants - the mother, the child himself, his future children - this is also a continuation of the grandmother. "Yes, she will not come again, we will not see through her eyes, but we will always remember her."
Determine what the child can do for the deceased. Plant a flower, light a candle, frame a photo, make a family album or video for memory, feed the birds.
It is important to explain to the child that it is normal to be sad, to cry, to experience loss. That it is actually very painful to lose loved ones. By showing your child by your example that you are not shy of tears, you teach him to cope with his pain.
Why are we afraid
Our attitude to death depends on the culture in which we live and how our parents relate to death in their time. Often this topic seems terrible to adults. But for a child, it may look very different.
For example, in many cultures (India, Latin America) death is perceived as a joyous event, because man passed his life path in this world, fulfilled his mission, solved certain evolutionary tasks and left for another world. Even the death of a child is not perceived as a tragedy - he was born pure and therefore quickly left this world.
Many ancient religions reflect the idea of the evolutionary development of the soul through rebirth and return to Earth (Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, etc.). This gives rise to a different attitude to death than in atheistic or late Christian societies.
Earlier (before the revolution) in Russia it was decided to prepare for death. It was carried out both spiritual and household training. It was accepted to die at home, having finished all things, having said goodbye to relatives and having reached a state of forgiveness and pacification, taking the fact of his dying as a given. Children were also invited to the dying person. They communicated with him, listened to the farewell and understood that death is the same part of life as birth. At the same time, there was no such panic fear of this phenomenon.
In later forms of religion, rituals arose that arouse fear of death (mourners, black clothes, etc.). The theme of death was becoming increasingly terrifying. In the 60s of the 20th century, the practice of placing the dying person in a hospital arose, which deprived him of the support and support of his relatives, moreover, the doctors stopped informing the dying person about his mortal diagnosis. As a result, the person lived in the illusory hope that he would not die and he never managed to come to the state of accepting the fact of his death. In society, the illusion of the absence of death grew. This illusion was transmitted to children from an early age.
Why is it important to tell the child the truth
Adults conceal from their children the fact of the death of a loved one often from their own egoism - they are not ready to meet the feelings of loss and grief in the baby, to help it survive and support it, because their own feelings prevail at this time.
The acceptance of this phenomenon as a given leads to the fact that the quality of life changes. Responsibility for their actions, and life is filled with other content.
How to correctly do in this case?
Secondly , it is warm and positive can be translated to the childfor example by telling him: “Grandpa is dead. When people die, they do not return. But he will always be with you, and will always support you. " There is no mystery or religious background in these words. Even if you are not a believer, you can always turn to the image of the deceased in your heart, ask him about something, get an answer and support. This you can teach and your child.
The baby does not need to hear and know all the details and facts (for example, about the course of the disease, or car accidents) - he is still very small, he cannot understand everything.
- If death occurred as a result of the disease, make it clear that not all diseases lead to death, so that later, when the child is ill, the child is not afraid to die.
- If the death occurred as a result of an accident, it is necessary to explain the fact of death without blaming anyone for it. So that the child does not have the fear of losing the remaining loved ones, you need to tell him that the others want to live long and do not want to leave him alone.
What is death: a serious conversation with a child
How to explain to a child what death is - one of the most difficult issues that caring parents have to face. Often, they generally try to avoid this topic, but then the baby has a wrong idea of the world. He can injure himself, others or animals, without having any idea about how this could end.
If the baby does not know what death is, he will not be able to understand why this or that person disappeared from his life. That is why before the terrible news message, you need to seriously talk with the crumbs. How to gently explain to the baby this concept?
- Often parents use seasons as an example. The leaf is born from the kidney, and then slowly fades and falls from the branch. Similarly, the life of a person has its time.
- It is important to note that death is the natural end of life, because if the mother draws something terrible, describing this phenomenon, the child will begin to fear.
- It is necessary to tell that the end of life usually occurs in old age, and after that the person disappears, his body is placed in a special box called the “coffin” and buried in the ground.
- If the family is a believer, you can offer a standard concept with a paradise where the souls of good people fall.
- Also, parents can say that even after death, loved ones can watch a person from heaven, visit him in dreams. Such an interpretation gives hope for a new meeting with loved ones.
It is very important not to bully the child and not to describe his death in detail. Psychologists advise to outline the concept in general, so that the kid has an idea about him, but he was not afraid of a sudden death. Talk about the possible causes of death, about their personal experiences about this, too, is not worth it. In this case, the child will be more worried because of the ephemeral possibility of losing life.
Another important point is how mom and dad discuss the topic. Children are very sensitive to other people's experiences. If parents are worried, crying when they talk about death, this only scares the younger member of the family. Обсуждать тему нужно спокойно, отвечая на все вопросы малыша без лишних подробностей.
Как объяснить ребенку уход близкого человека
Поскольку жизнь каждого человека имеет конец, вопрос о том, как деликатно рассказать о смерти близкого, возникает часто. Первые, и, пожалуй, самый важный совет — не драматизировать. It is difficult to survive such a tragedy, even for an adult, and for a child it can be a trauma for life. That is why you should not cry when the baby is too detailed to describe the causes of death and the details of the funeral. If we are talking about the crumbs of preschool age, then it is better to do without the shocking details.
Here are a few nuances that are important to observe:
- it is necessary to explain to the child that a loved one has left his life forever,
- it is worth noting that he did not give up on his own will, because often children understand death in this way,
- if the child is curious about the causes of death, you should briefly talk about them, but do not go into details,
- talking to the baby should be calm, without tears,
- if the baby is crying, it is necessary to calm him down, to tell that a loved one will still be spiritually always nearby.
Psychologists advise in no way to hide such an important event from the baby. Often, they do not understand how to tell their child about the death of a grandfather or grandmother, relatives decide to conceal information. However, sooner or later, the crumb will begin to ask about a family member, about why he no longer appears in the house. Psychologically, it is also difficult for an adult to lie to a kid.
Of course, the child will be upset, but with the support of loved ones, he will be able to survive the tragedy. According to psychologists, kids are much easier to cope with any tragedy than adults. They can not focus on the negative and quickly switch.
Death of mom or dad: possible reaction of the child
Of course, the death of a grandmother, grandfather, or someone from distant relatives is a big tragedy for a child. However, much more serious are those cases when it is necessary to report the death of parents. Here we are talking about psychological pressure, about a wound in the heart for life.
In different age groups of children, the reaction is diametrically opposite. Usually younger family members react to tragedy as follows:
- preschool kids are taken to cry and refuse to believe what happened. They can search for a mom or dad for a few more days, and only after that comes the realization of the tragedy,
- children of primary school age also react violently, but sometimes they try to restrain emotions. They are much more interested in the details of what happened,
- adolescents often express grief in the form of aggression. Due to the death of parents, even the most peaceful child can suddenly turn into a restless tyrant prone to bad habits.
How to tell a small child about the death of a mother or father, so as not to hurt his feelings? In this case, you need to go to a serious conversation. The baby needs to describe the situation, while emphasizing that the parent really loved him very much.
Psychologists are advised to give the child the opportunity to say goodbye to a dying relative until the time of death. This is a very important psychological moment, which will help the baby to make sure that he was truly loved and not just abandoned.
If the baby does not respond to the situation, you should ask him to write a letter to the deceased parent. This message can be put in a coffin. With his help, the baby will express all those feelings that could not break out before.
Also, psychologists advise to adhere to the traditions that were in the family when the parent was alive. Reading bedtime stories, sharing lessons, talking heart to heart. All this will help the child to transfer the tragedy easier and easier, because he will have the feeling that everything is going on as usual.
And, of course, one should not underestimate the importance of caring, love. Relatives should help the child cope with the tragedy as long as possible. If the baby feels that he is surrounded by attention, it is much easier for him to transfer the problems.
To give the correct answer to the question of how to tell a child about the death of a father is possible only if you take into account the age of the younger member of the family. It is necessary to talk with preschoolers as accurately as possible, describing what happened rather like a fairy tale. In this case, applicable stories about paradise, about the appearance of loved ones in a dream, and so on. With adolescents, this approach usually does not work.
They need to talk on equal terms. Often, adult children want to know the exact cause of death, and the details of the disease. Nothing should be withheld from them, but it is not recommended to delve too deep into shocking details.
Possible consequences of a wrong death report
The news of the death of a loved one can really shock. Usually, the child begins to cry, having learned the sad news, and sometimes goes the other way around. However, if the news was reported too rudely or for some reason injured the crumb, his reaction changes. How to determine that the child was inflicted psychological trauma?
- The youngest member of the family refuses to talk with others, and sometimes does not even leave the room.
- The child continues to wait for the return of the deceased relative, not realizing that his departure is final.
- The kid refuses to talk about a loved one, keeps him offended.
- The child is aggressive towards others for a long time.
- The kid believes that a particular person is guilty of death.
Often, such difficulties arise due to incorrect presentation of information. Close ones did not fully clarify that a relative died or hurried to blame someone for what happened. As a result, the baby is shocked and injured even more.
Psychologists advise not to discuss the details of death and possible hypotheses about the causes of the incident. For the unsettled psyche of the baby is unnecessary information. Also, in no case can you condemn the deceased relative, even if during his life he had problems with alcohol or the law. Because of the conviction of a beloved, if not an ideal mom or grandmother, the younger member of the family can only further withdraw into themselves and move away from others. Feeling lonely, he will be more and more inclined towards aggression.
Especially prone to improper reaction to the tragedy of adolescents. These children prefer to experience the problem on their own, they are hostile to the help of others. However, it is important for relatives to be there anyway, to give their love.
How to tell a child about the death of a grandfather or any other relative? There are many answers to this question, but the main secret of the correct story is sincerity. If adults are as worried as the baby, if they cry with him and give him their warmth, he will cope with the shock much faster, after which he will be able to start a normal life.
Why is it so difficult for us to talk to children about death
On the one hand, when mentioning someone’s death, we are confronted with such a topic as the inevitability of our own. We are afraid that the conversation will come about that one day we, too, will die and leave our child alone. “Will mom and dad die too?” Children ask with fear, because death causes them to have an incomprehensible feeling of longing for a person whom they will never see again. Also, children may be concerned that they, too, are mortal. This idea can shock some guys a lot.
The child is worried that he may be alone, that all adults may die. And this is a question of security.
On the other hand, we unconsciously identify with our children: we project our emotions onto them, ask ourselves what we would feel at their age. It all depends on how we, being small, first lost a loved one.
If you were faced with a divorce or death as a child, and your parents were so immersed in their experiences that they left you alone with your grief, you will experience more difficulties in this situation with your children, as you will be inclined to project your own suffering on them.
Finally, we fear that talking about death can harm the fragile child's psyche: cause fear, traumatize. And it can really happen. Therefore, it is better not to try to anticipate the child’s thoughts and tell him what you think is necessary, but calmly and tactfully answer his questions.
If adults themselves have no fear of death, then communication with their own child on this topic goes smoothly.
How to help a child understand death
Between the ages of 3 and 5, children have a very limited understanding of death. Although they know that the heart of a dead person no longer beats and that he can neither hear nor speak, it is difficult for them to understand that death is final. They think it is reversible, that the grandmother will come to them tomorrow.
To help them realize what death is, be sure to say: when a person dies, this is forever, he will not return. To ease the sadness of parting, tell your kid that he can always remember the good moments spent with a deceased loved one.
Help your child understand that death is part of the natural cycle of life. You can start with examples that are not so emotionally colored (for example, trees, butterflies, birds), patiently explaining that life expectancy is different for everyone.
Also say that sometimes living beings are so seriously ill that they cannot survive. However, insist that people and animals in most cases can be cured and live to a great age.
Children face death rather early. Usually earlier than adults understand this, or when the latter have an idea to talk about death. Children see dead birds and animals on the road. At such moments, parents close their eyes to the baby and say that he should not look. But before death and childbirth were perceived as the most natural processes.
When explaining the concept of death, avoid using words such as "fell asleep" and "left." If you tell the child that the grandfather is asleep, the baby may begin to fear sleep, fearing to die. The same thing if you tell him that grandfather is gone. The child will wait for his return and worry when other family members are going on a real trip.
Do not tell the child that his grandmother died, simply because she was sick, - he may decide that she has caught a common cold. He may have a fear of death, even if he just catches a cold or someone from his family begins to cough. Tell him the truth using simple words: “Grandma had cancer. This is a very serious disease. Sometimes people manage to recover, but not always. ” Convince the child that death is not contagious.
Things and processes need to be called by their names, as children perceive the information emanating from their parents, in the literal sense. And the younger the child, the more cautious it is to be parents with innocent jokes and words that can be interpreted differently.
Children and adults experience grief in different ways. What reactions should be expected and which should cause concern
The stages are really different, and in children they are less noticeable. The psyche of a child often makes unconscious attempts to protect him from heavy emotions. He seems to digest the information piece by piece.
In general, it may look like a child does not feel anything.
Some parents notice: “After our conversation, he simply returned to the game without asking any questions.” In fact, the child understood everything very well. But he needs time to digest this information.
This is a defense mechanism. Children use it more than adults, because their mind is more fragile. They still do not have enough mental strength to cope with their emotions, and they need energy, first of all, for growth and development.
There is no need to repeat or check whether the child understood what you told him. He will return to the topic later, at his own pace, and ask all his questions when he is ready to hear the answers.
Some children may ask questions to strangers, such as a school teacher. This is due to the fact that a person who is not experiencing grief with everyone is able to impartially provide the necessary information that a child can trust. Often children return to this topic in a conversation before bedtime, since they associate it with death.
During the month, a child may show signs of hidden anxiety: trouble falling asleep, unwillingness to obey and eat normally. But if these symptoms persist for a longer time, and you notice that your child has become more withdrawn and depressed, both at school and at home, you should pay attention to this and initiate a confidential conversation.
If you yourself can not find the right words and help him cope with anxiety, be sure to consult with a child psychologist.
How to help a child cope with the loss of a loved one
It all depends on who died, under what circumstances and at what age the child is. But in any case, the emotional state of the parents is an important factor, which largely influences the reaction of the child. Hug him, caress, tell me why you are upset.
You have the right to express sadness and mourn your loss. This will help the child to understand that he can show his emotions.
If you feel depressed, first take care of yourself. It will also be the right example for the child and will allow him to realize: if you are ill, you should be attentive to yourself. In addition, it will teach him to seek help in difficult times.
It is even more common for mothers than fathers to assume that they have to carry this emotional burden on their own, manage all matters and always look good. But this is impossible. If you worry too much, you can and should accept help. Ask about her spouse, friends, relatives.
Moreover, a child in such moments sometimes asks questions that can cause you even more pain. He does this not from sadistic motives, but because he instantly catches the mood of a parent. It can be very difficult, therefore such questions should be answered by a person who is less susceptible to experiences.
You are not required to follow the rules that you think exist in society. Some say that the child needs to tell and show everything. In fact, it should remain at the discretion of the parents. You must be sure of what you are doing and trust your intuition.
Sometimes, on the contrary, hiding certain things from the child may be the wrong step. If you lie about the reason for your bad mood, he cannot understand why you are experiencing these emotions, and he will begin to dream such a thing that you would never have thought of. He may, for example, feel guilty about your frustration or start to fear that a conflict has arisen between the parents and they are going to divorce.
Death is always an emotionally intense event. It should not be hidden from the child, but try to protect it from strong shocks.
Should I take the children to the funeral
Tatyana Ribere thinks: if the parents themselves are not afraid of this process and if the child does not resist, the answer is, rather, yes. Accompanying a family to a cemetery as a child depends on the attitude to death adopted in his environment. Children in families who observe religious traditions attend a funeral, go to the tomb. In fact, the cemetery is not a place for walking with children. But to the dead relatives, if it is a tradition, children can be taken.
What you need to pay attention to when talking?
Before speaking to parents with children on this topic, it is necessary to remember that any incorrect phrase or confusing explanation can lead to a dead end and even form a feeling of fear. Therefore, you need to listen to the advice of psychologists who will help you find the right words and context so that the new information brings answers to your questions, rather than confusing even more.
As soon as the need arises for covering the topic of death, it is necessary to decide not only how to tell the kid about it, but also who will do it. Consider that such serious conversations should be carried out by people whom the child trusts.
If the need to talk about death arose not because of curiosity, but as a result of the death of a relative or a loved one, then at that moment an adult should keep himself in hand, not behave too emotionally, speak calmly and not shout at all.
In case tears come to my eyes, they should not be restrained. In this way, you will demonstrate to your daughter or son through a personal example that the manifestation of emotions during the tribulation period is a natural phenomenon and should not be ashamed. However, try not to fall into a tantrum and do not finish the story in sobs, as the baby may be afraid of such an excessive reaction.
Some adults are afraid to start such conversations with children, as they think that they can hurt their psyche and cause pain. In addition, parents are not ready to see the tears and violent reactions of babies, so they prefer to remain silent about the death of a loved one or present the news in a veiled form, thereby introducing a son or daughter into error.
In no case should not be afraid that the child will begin to blame you or shout and cry when you hear the truth. On the contrary, children are very grateful to those adults who behave honestly with them and provide support in difficult times. К тому же, чаще всего первой реакцией на сказанное будут не истерика и стенания, а удивление и попытки представить, что происходит, когда человек умирает.
Выберите подходящий момент
Беседу о кончине родственника или близкого человека не стоит откладывать на длительное время. Но если вам нужна пауза, чтобы прийти в себя, успокоиться, собраться с мыслями и набраться ресурсов, для того, чтобы поддержать малыша, то можете недолго повременить с известием. However, try not to delay and talk as soon as possible after the incident. Because the longer the children remain in ignorance, the worse their psychological adaptation will be after.
Try to choose a time to talk, so that the baby is in no hurry, not busy, upset and overworked. It is advisable to report death in the morning or afternoon, when the situation in the house is more or less calm, there are no extra people, no one will interfere and interrupt at the wrong time.
If hugs and gentle touches are taken in your family, then you can put the baby on your lap, and put a teenager on your shoulders. Remember that physical contact should not cause discomfort in children. If at the moment the child does not want such support, you should not give it by force, it is better to just keep eye contact and say the words that you are there.
How not to do?
When confronted with the talk of death for the first time, many parents are lost, do not know how to behave, and therefore make mistakes. Among the most common are the following.
- Use a lot of extra words. When talking, try not to talk unnecessary information that will only confuse you and the child, talk only in essence, for example, “grandfather was very sick and therefore he died.”
- They say veiled phrases. In no case do not need to resort to metaphors and euphemisms. Phrases like "gone forever," "fell asleep forever," "went to the next world" can confuse a child and scare. The baby will be afraid to fall asleep and not wake up or go somewhere and not return.
- Drink alcohol for courage. If you want to relieve tension before the conversation and calm down, then it is better to drink a sedative instead of strong drinks.
- Thicken paint. Try not to tell the child that the deceased was taken away for sins or as a punishment for some actions. If a loved one died as a result of an accident or was very sick, then you should not dedicate your baby to all the details.
- Radically change the usual routine. Do not make in connection with the death for the child any exceptions that were previously in your family under the ban. Otherwise, the child will not be entirely correct association with death.
Remember that a child has the right to grieve, so do not forbid him to show his emotions and give him maximum support in this difficult time for him.