Women's Tips

My children quarrel among themselves: why can't they be friends?


Only parents. If since childhood there is no love between brothers and sisters. Then it is difficult to build relationships. If they themselves then realize that they need support and just good relations with each other. Small children see and absorb how parents behave in relation to him and other children. They are very jealous of this. Where to reign love between children and parents, brothers and sisters, if you respect everyone. Children will remain for life.

I am the youngest in the family, as I can remember - my older sister always pushed me around. She really liked to command me. Our relations did not work out when I grew up, began to resist her constant desire to command and lead me.

Our parents are very good, never had any signs of dividing us with my sister for the best and worst, beloved and unloved. Mom was very worried that we were not friends, but could not do anything with it.

When the sister got married, she began to lead her husband, in the end he began to drink, now this is a completely fallen asleep man, unfortunately, although he was once a smart, educated person. I do not know the reason, but I think that he was too weak to put his wife in his place.

So, it is not so simple, it is difficult to say what is the reason for the poor relations of children in the family.

Why do children in the same family often quarrel

Of course, at first glance, it seems that siblings should be friends with each other. After all, they are relatives, they have a common life and, it seems to us, they have the same interests. But let's understand this from a system point of view.

A small child under the age of 3 has a strong relationship with his mother. Of course, he gradually begins to recognize and see other people who live with him in the same apartment, for example, father, grandmother, brothers and sisters, but all of them are just people for him who do not provide protection to the child. He feels a sense of security only with his mother, so he is so attached to his mother.

After 3 years, the child begins to socialize: he begins to feel like a man in society and try his innate properties and desires. Depending on which vectors a child has, he begins to actively manifest himself.

At this time, the child begins to gradually accept all the norms and principles of relationships that exist in society. He perfectly distinguishes who treats him as his own and adds his own personal impression about it. He perceives his father as the strongest and best man in the world, his grandmother, as kind and caring, who will always treat him to a tasty pie. And he sees the brothers and sisters with whom he is forced to share the most important person in his life - his mother. How can he relate to them? As long as there are no cultural restrictions and prohibitions in the child, it is absolutely natural and normal that he is not very positive about brothers and sisters. In children with a skin vector, a feeling of envy and jealousy appears, in children with an anal vector, offense and injustice. And so with every child. This is absolutely normal and there is nothing wrong with that.

It is important here not to single out any child, not to show that someone is loved more or less, to give them an equal amount of attention. It is also necessary to understand what is meaningful for each child. Anal and visual children most need a sense of security, they are most attached to their parents. But in one way or another, everyone needs a sense of security. Envy, jealousy, resentment - are signs that some needs of the child are not satisfied. Knowing and understanding his vectors is much easier to determine exactly what needs to be discussed. It is also important to direct the energy of children outward, so that they begin to communicate with their peers, to be interested in the world around them.

Even later, at the age after 6 years, when the child becomes more aware of the world and feels himself and his properties in this world, the situation with fights and quarrels can be aggravated. It becomes obvious to parents that brothers and sisters in the same family are often opposites.

Very often we can observe such diverse characters in one family: one child is uncontrollable, self-willed, one can never be forced to do anything, another child is obedience itself, happily helping mother, loves cleanliness, the third child is a cunning. It all depends on the vector set of the child. Urethral, ​​anal, skin, muscle - they have different desires, different paths of development. And if there are still upper vectors, for example, one has oral, and the other has sound, then these are not just opposites, but opposites that collide interfere with each other.

They are such different personalities! Socializing in life, in kindergarten or school, they choose to be their friends, for communication, peers who are like themselves. Just as we, adults, are drawn to those who we like, who are suitable for us in outlook, and children do the same. Therefore, they can show themselves as exemplary, good children in dealing with other people's peers. But with a brother or sister, the opposite of properties and desires, they are locked in the same family, and often in the same room. They have to share their life with each other, communicate, solve problems - it is often impossible to do this without quarrels or tears, fights and curses.

Imagine a person you don’t like. An employee at work or a neighbor with whom you do not communicate and who do not understand at all. Now imagine that people from whose management you cannot leave make you live in the same room with this person, use household items together, and even make friends. Can you live with him at least a day without a quarrel?

Children quarrel, what to do?

If children in one family hold each other, talk with pleasure, make friends, this is a wonderful phenomenon. But if the children can not stand each other, do not force them to be friends with each other. If you shame children, scold them for quarrels, it will not lead to anything good. And if forced to close communication, it can end very badly.

Of course, it is necessary to teach them to understand that there is a family relationship between them and, despite the difference in properties, it is desirable to show more understanding for each other. Teach them to think that they are responsible for each other, and only they will help each other in case of trouble. Try to show them at an early age why they are so different - what qualities and desires make them different people. Show that every desire of any of them is good and right, and that you need to learn to respect and understand each other. The system-vector thinking of Yuri Burlan, which can be found here, will help to cope with this difficult task.

Do you recognize your mischievous people and their differences?

Do your children quarrel and do not understand each other? There are many scenarios of how children who are different in vectors fit together and what comes out of it. If the parents do not help the children to understand each other, this can develop into a strong hostility between already grown-up brothers and sisters.

For example, if one child in the family has an oral vector and the other has a sound vector, this could turn into a tragic scenario for the second. Oral children love to chat, they need listeners. And actually, they find an audience for themselves, in kindergarten, at school, in the yard. As a rule, they speak louder than others, they love to scream, to laugh loudly. Sound children are reversed at will, they are real introverts, self-contained, speak quietly. They love silence and often want to be alone with themselves, calmly think. In life, oratorics and sounds are unlikely to communicate with each other.

By closing these two children in the same room, the parents inflict tremendous harm on them, especially on the sound child. Not having the opportunity to realize his desire to be in silence, to think, the sonic child becomes nervous, withdraws into himself, begins to withdraw into his thoughts, as if disconnecting from the outside world.

In many families, where two children grow up, a contralateral relationship is played out between an older, anal child, and a younger, skin one. The anal vector already in childhood makes the child very direct and friendly, it is by nature very fair, it divides everything equally. He is honest and wants cleanliness, he is obedient. Absolutely opposite to him in properties, skin child. A clever sly one, not striving for purity, easily able to deceive. These two children are complete opposites that do not understand each other, it is not surprising that there is no particular understanding between them.

Learn to understand your children. And teach the children to understand each other. Brothers and sisters are really relatives of each other, who in adulthood can have very good relations, even if they are completely opposite to each other. But only thanks to parents, who will teach them not to tolerate each other, but to understand. Do this, and you will be able to grow really happy people.

Causes of Brother-Sister Conflict

  • One of the most fundamental causes of children's conflicts in families where there are two or more children is jealousy. Children compete with each other for the attention of their parents; each child wants the best to be delivered only to him.

Sometimes jealousy and a sense of rivalry helps the child to become better, more attentive to himself and others. To earn extra praise, the kid strives to "be the most successful" and develops faster.

It happens and vice versa, the child has a sense of abandonment, and envy causes an inferiority complex, reduces self-esteem, adds anxiety and insecurity in their abilities.

The feeling of jealousy, its strength and duration, the desire to compete, largely depend on the personality characteristics of the child, his interests and age. If your firstborn is calm, friendly and sociable, it takes quite a bit of time to realize that parents continue to love him as much as before. Restless and anxious children, on the contrary, require more attention and evidence of parental love.

  • Selfishness is another cause of conflict between children. The world of the child is the whole universe, with its needs, desires and little joys. It can be difficult for children to understand that the same “little universe” can also be found nearby, which needs care, love from mom and dad, new toys, attention. It is usually difficult for a child to understand this, because, as a rule, all children are selfish by nature. And your eldest baby quite naturally does not want to share what once belonged only to him.

Often parents, paying more attention to the newborn child, provoke manifestations of egoism and, as a result, feelings of envy. And, as mom and dad do not try to pay an equal amount of attention to the older and younger, it still does not work. From here - the feeling of insult and complexes.

  • The next reason is the difference between girls and boys. The interests of different sex children are different. Boys prefer outdoor games, team games, love robots and cars, while girls play quieter, quiet games with dolls or children's toys that mimic the activities of adults - dishes, shops, sewing machines, and “medical” accessories to treat dolls. . As a rule, girls in their games copy the behavior and activities of the mother, while the boys prefer cheerful tinkering with the ball or the machine. The interests of the brother and sister can become common if they are playing games related to jumping, jogging, for example, salochki or jumping on a trampoline.

How to help brothers and sisters build relationships

  • If you have the opportunity, try to provide each child with a separate room. For an older child, you may already need a table, a computer, and various notebooks for study and creativity, while the youngest needs diapers, a crib, a rug, and a beautiful mobile.
  • If you have an older child - a girl, try to instill in her a sense of responsibility for her younger brother, teach her to care for the baby under your supervision. Most girls perceive the younger child as a living doll.
  • If the firstborn is a boy, be more attracted to help during developmental activities with your younger sister, tell him about the period when he himself was small. Do not remove the son when he shows interest in the baby. Boys, as a rule, perceive a new baby as a partner for games. Explain to your son that when the baby is older, she will be happy to play with her brother if he teaches her. So you can express your trust in the elder and raise his self-esteem.
  • Encourage and punish children equally, regardless of gender and age. If, for example, the children quarreled or fought, you can forbid them both to watch cartoons, no matter who is right. As a promotion, for example, buy the same sweets for children.
  • No need to compare with each other children. Try to do so that the kids do not feel slighted.

To make brothers and sisters to be friends with each other, try to pay more attention to their joint activities, attract the elder to take care of the younger child, try to praise both babies more often. Remember that even children who are friends with each other sometimes have conflicts. In this case, you should be sensitive to this situation and make a fair decision.

And how do your children have a common language with each other?